"i feel infinite."

i didn't have too much to say in december. just a lot of quiet times that i wanted to keep to myself. i finished perks of being a wallflower. i highly highly recommend reading it. it's one of those coming of age novels that makes you laugh and can relate to. it's about highschool and growing up. falling in love and having your heartbroken. trying to find yourself after you've been lost. and remembering the good times when things are bad.

i wish i could write some kind of closure post for the ending of 2009 for an embraced welcoming of the new year. it's going to be a big one, i assure you. i've changed somehow, something about me is different. it isn't necessarily a bad different, just different. i feel like the things i have to say aren't as full proof or riveting enough for people to read about and relate to. my life's been pretty quiet the past week. quiet in the way that a photograph is quiet, physically, but there's still some meaning that speaks to you, loud and clear. i've been in some kind of trance. reality just seems so real now. this year's just been so fast because it was so busy. always something to do, always something to look forward to. the thing is, i can't complain about anything. nothing in my life is bad but there's nothing too extraordinary. and i'll settle for that. i'll settle for the simple fact that i'm content and i'm alive, and my heart's just lingering on the figment imagination of love.

and speaking of love, this was not my year for love. nope, not at all. the closest i came to falling in love with someone was back in April. and even then i could not convince myself that something like that was even real. the things i think are real end up fading away. but really. who knows. college life might bring me a decent man that fits all the criteria i'm looking for, but who's to say a boyfriend is essential to my well-being? i don't know what i want when it comes to that. especially lately. i've been really questioning what it is i'm looking for, personality wise, intellectually... do you realize i go after the same guys? over and over again. and the cycle just repeats! every time. "hello, cute/funny/indie boy, you like so and so band? me too! you play an instrument? i'm in love with you. you don't love me? .... that's okay. we can still be friends" then he doesn't really find anything exciting about me anymore and stops talking to me for weeks. then boom, instant heartbreak. more blogs. more depressing music. and then i move on. i always move on. then another one comes along that reminds me of the last. and i give it a try.

and then the cycle repeats.

but at this point, if he's eager and willing i'll take him. but i can't lie to myself. i want more. i'm hoping that maybe in the next year, i'll be able to get my life straight. i'll be able to figure out what i want to do, what i want to be, what i love and what i hate. find the people that i can't ever live without and start finding all of the substance and beauties that composes the meaning of life. i'm a lover of change.

all in all, i'm just ready for my new adventure.

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

- maya angelou.

cold feet and congestion.

i am sick, but a better sick than yesterday. it's freezing here in my house and i just cleaned my room. i ate turkey bacon for breakfast... i wasn't pleased. life's been completely more than okay, even with this stuffy lung i have. my mom was sick yesterday, as was i, but i had to take care of her, which i didn't mind. as of now, i'm trying to pass time. i'm contemplating a lot on my dream from last night. it was the most vivid reenactment of what could happen today. i was confused when i woke up. i thought it was real and thought everything was about to change.

and it's still a possibility. i'm smiling today, sort of. sadies is soon, in a few short hours actually. and i couldn't be more thrilled. taking a deep breath of relief. to whatever happens next? oh, and happy december!

- c.

live, long and prosperous.

today surprised me in a good way. i walk out of my house, almost guaranteed that my ho-hum hair would equal a ho-hum day, and the smudge of abused eyeliner on my eyelids would result in too much time spent between classes in front of the mirror. but it was not ho-hum! (but i did spend time in the girl's bathroom trying to fix my makeup.) girly insecurities. but anyway, it was actually nice. the weather in the morning did not freeze my ligaments and i was actually on time at the bus stop. and early? and I ate breakfast? AND I didn't struggle to put on my shoes? i didn't even feel like the same woman. i felt incomplete without robert there because i always see him, and i especially wanted to tell him how much i liked the book he gave me that weekend. i spent thanksgiving stuffing my arteries as well as my brain. i'm so glad i'm getting back into reading. i set aside an hour from my life to engage in words that aren't my own. favorite feeling.

the rest of the day seems blurry. watson yelled at me for talking during our warm up. i was just asking sarah if she had an extra copy of christmas festival because neither i or my stand partner thought about bringing it. i'm sure you were going to yell at me either way, so i thought i might as well try and prevent that before it happened? spare hurtful words? didn't work. whatever. i hate being forced to be so quiet during orchestra, really. whatever emotion he provokes on me is said through my music. make me upset? expect broken bow hairs. and an evil eye! i should be exempt from being yelled at for all the things i've done for watson and this orchestra, but that is just me being a diva. because i hate being yelled at for petty things. gr! lunch... we finally settled our sadies plans! so much relief. you don't even understand. then i ate sour gummy worms. that made my day, really. i haven't had one of those in forever and it felt good to have it in my mouth again, tingling my taste buds. oh! (that's what she said.)

in precalc, i was able to write all my notes legibly for once, i found that exciting, no one around me seemed to think so. greg was caught blowing bubbles and when ms. willis came to confiscate them he put them in his pants. i think that kid keeps things alive. she makes math feel so dead. after school, i went to vq, and told troy about my dream. he then tried to reenact it, in which i smiled and felt obligated to say no. think what you want. i'm getting faster at buzzing in on questions in varsity quiz, and answering almost logically (though, disregard that time when troy named a prime minister and I said the United States.) mind me. but really. i think i answered more questions today then i have this entire year combined. great accomplishment. i pulled our weight for team diversity. though, everyone abandoned me by the end of it. not cool. afterwards, i talked to tyler, and commented on his beard and suit. he's such a cool looking guy. and cool in general. i totally miss him playing his guitar for me during sixth last year. we mingled conversation until he had to go. then, after robert dropped me off, i came home, rested, put on my favorite sweatshirt and watched star trek. finally! it was thrilling. i'm a big fan of chris pine's face. and i thought live long and prosperous was a line by tupac before this day. i told that to my sister and she left the room.

overall, i give today an 8.9.

think less but see it grow.

jody barton, drew the bombs on phoenix's wolfgang cover.


- c.

april 24.

What was I thinking exactly? I would be the type of person to get caught up in abstract ideas such as “happiness” and “admiration” wouldn’t I? This is an odd state of mind, an unnatural feeling of feeling. I can’t begin to describe, because I wouldn’t know how to finish.

My head cannot stop beating, as if it had it’s very own pulse. Tha-dump, tha-dump, tha-dump. But unlike a normal set of headtha-dumps, it beats without consistency and without the aftermath of pain. Sticcato. This is the way my heart feels right now. A stutter. Like a murmur. Advil could not save me.

Why can they not provide hospitalization for the broken hearted? We feel pain too, you know. If I were to ever barge into an emergency room with a towel tainted red covering my chest, moaning, “Help! Help!” would I ever receive the same attention if I were to say… barge in without the bloody towel? It wouldn’t be until the nurse asks me what is wrong, will I reveal my dainty woes: “Heart-break…. m’am.” All I could see were blank stares, confused faces, and a man with a hernia giggling in the corner. I will appear as a babbling, melodramatic idiot.

Never, could I ever – in my veteran years of blogging – fully explain how I feel and why I feel that way. Because I never knew who I was. And I never knew what I was truly feeling. Never. And I still cannot get the gist. I cannot establish myself as a person that feels only emotion. I feel… words. I feel… memories. I feel… nothing. I feel… forever. I feel… people. I feel… staggered and incomplete. I feel… a shallow depth. I feel… alone. Even if I were to ever confide my deepest feelings with people I would end my life for, I am ashamed of my feelings. I feel guilty (and stupid) for even feeling things that I should not be feeling. Because my life, from the outskirts, is perfectly and utterly blessed with everything I need. And to feel anything other than appreciation, would be shameful.

But in all of the traces and tangles in which I feel and do not feel, I always find a security hiding in this bountiful sea of feeling. Or see of feeling. The complexity of how I see things, FEEL things, can’t be put into words. If there were a way for me to put you in my life as me, to let you not only be in my shoes but be in my mind… be my mind. That will be the only true way I can show you what it’s like to feel something that cannot be put into words, into thoughts, into action, into verbs, into nouns, into synchronizing, contrasting adjectives. My heart isn’t broken, yet… but it’s in a condition where I feel it cracking. After all the years of putting it back together. And it isn’t love. No. It isn’t because my heart held on to that feeling again, that beautiful feeling of… completion. It’s because it won’t. It can’t. And even if I open it to someone for just a split-second… I can feel it crumble just as fast as I let it love.

My heart, though extraordinarily stubborn, is gentle and breakable. And I cannot find the balance to simply feel. Without regretting it the second that tear falls down my cheek.

Tha-dump… tha-dump… tha-dump.

thoreau.

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.”

- c.

a place for the nonsensical.

these emotions aren't residing.
it's about that time of the night again where i cannot shut up.
i've been listening to a lot of bands with some kind of mammal in their names.
and when i say a lot i mean two or three, max.


-c. bear

p.s. i also listen to a lot of bands that associate with birds.

i'm not talking about you.

but i am out of context.
the complexities of daily living.
eat, sleep, live.
i can eat from every culture,
and sleep in different beds,
but i can live, infinitely. no thing is limited.
you fit somewhere in between living and sleeping.
when i'm eating, you don't seem to be in my food.
but in everything else, you're completely covered.
i have thousands of words to say when i'm alone,
but when i'm facing you, nothing ever comes out.
zero, zip. a bundle of nothing. you leave me speechless.
a girl without words for once in her life.


- c.

when someone loves you,

the way they say your name is different.
you just know that your name is safe in their mouth.

Billy, age 4



- c.

I am thankful for...

a loving family, nice friends, cable, my mom's homemade kare-kare, my grandma, a warm bed to sleep in, track sweats, cotton, scrabble, music, my cello, laundry detergent, pillows, pie, my dogs and their puppies, hands to hold, happy thanksgiving texts, the invention of blogging, socks, good hair, good health, mid day naps, i love yous, being filipino, my dad's approval, a decent brain, seawolf, the clothes on my back, countless blessings, and a tomorrow <3.

i hope everyone had a nice thanksgiving :) i hope that you were able to smile and think about all the things that you're thankful for. may your hearts feel as bloated as your stomachs!


- c.

"the tiniest of feet."

currently lurking through this wonderful photographer. i have nothing to do tonight, really. it's been totally relaxing just sitting here with my track sweats, hoodie, and ear muffins. muffins? that's not right. but neither are a lot of things i say.

this is normal behavior.


- c.

i've gone mad. in a more lovable sense of the word mad. when i'm able to devote my time to a stable minimum wage job in the next few years of my college life, my very first and second paycheck is going to be spent on a nikon, or something silly and expensive like that. because this girl needs a camera. badly. it's essential for emotional stability.

i will be the happiest blogger in the whole world. imagine the possibilities. the creativity! the inspiration... the expression :) is it possible to be so passionate about photography and not even own a camera?

evidently, yes.
to a filled pocket in the near future.

- c.

flying, solo.

i haven't eaten anything wholesome today. my mind, more than my heart, needs some kind of nourishment. i need a refill in my glass of optimism. i need to stay healthy. i keep speaking of change in my life, but it's moving slowly; the new direction from the misdirected. life's treating me fairly, i can't complain. i wake up every morning from the tight embraces of my warm dreams, and step into a cold world. i smile back and say, "how do you do."

overall, i give today an 8.5.


- c.

thirty-six rules of life.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.

canterbury fails.

I have this essay to write in the next 7 hours. watch me not finish. I just want to enjoy this coffee ice cream and the new moon soundtrack and be done with my night. Is that so much to ask? life could not be any slower! I'm just excited for thanksgiving and everything after that. december should be a real heart pleaser with sadies and my sister's birthday and the orchestra concert, where I'll have my epic cello solo. should be fun :) 

i'm trying to lay off the guys for awhile. I'm trying to say that without sounding like a slut. my heart's been through too much this year, but that's nothing out of the ordinary. it'd be nice to be able to fall for the right ones once in awhile. or ever. I've been stuck on the same boy for awhile now. I don't know, I can't get over it. or in other words won't get over it. A lot of me longs for a change, and another part of me feels like I shouldn't give up. but is it really giving up? or just letting things be? i keep thinking that there's still some glimmer of hope in all of this and if I just wait awhile longer, things could change. 

these words will repeat over the next few weeks.

- c.

I grow more and more lethargic of every photograph I see that makes me wish I had a camera again. I feel like segments of my life are being forgotten. I want to be able to share with you what I see. I want to be able to express myself and show you what words sometimes I can't. I'm an easy liver, and I don't have very needy expenses. so why am i so broke?

both in my pockets and in my heart?
questions left unanswered.


- c.

it's getting harder and harder everyday.... 

i can't hold on to you anymore than i already have.  

- c.

tea. tea. and tea.

when a long night awaits me, this is my company. a healer of all things. my mind, my soul, my body. so comforting when i have a load of work to do and cannot afford sleep. 

thinking of you, constantly. 

-c. 

come home skinny love.

my productivity level is at it's peak. though i'm constantly being distracted by stupid things. like my callous on my ring finger. or his pants today? or my tongue having the aftertaste of bitter cranberry juice. 

life. what do i make of it? what do you make of it? what do you do everyday that makes you realize that life shouldn't be taken for granted? 

swayze passing away today made me reflect on that for a couple of seconds. i was eating a buttery croissant and burning my tongue on a scolding caffeine trip, and it just occurred to me that he's gone. so many people are gone. this year has been filled with bad news after bad news in the media. when are things going to fall in it's place? what is this telling us? a string of misfortune after another, repeating itself. around and around. 

make life worth living. tell people you love and appreciate them. think about the wind messing up your hair, and losing your breath everytime you talk to that boy you completely adore. how you were singing funny songs with a funny boy the whole ride home, or stepping on some dirty sidewalk gum, but still feeling okay about it. still having some dignity because well, it could be worse. 

scrape it off, and keep moving. the best moments of your life may be right in front of you, and you're too worried about the insignificant conflicts when it can all, be, resolved. by a new day... by a new perspective... the next time you have a wonderful breakfast, or when all the lights are turning green, or when you walk with that boy you like. 

appreciate all the moments that you'll never be able to get back. and when you're feeling blue or so small in the universe, refer back to all of these little times in your life where you're face hurt from smiling. or when you sort of laughed to yourself when you thought of something funny and everyone stared. think of the awkward times and turn them into funny, awkward stories. 

never forget that life's too short to dwell on the past, to feed off anger and sadness. human nature forces us to hold grudges, to stay mad until we get what we want. but what good does that do? nothing to anyone, and certainly nothing to ourselves. live. just shut up and live. 

{bon iver - skinny love.}

wonderful encounters.

met a boy on my bus today that loves flight of the conchords just as much as i do, and can recite all of their songs by heart. in which we sang, together, on the bus ride home. nice to have met yet another man that has excellent taste in comedy folk rap duos. it's always a pleasure. 

- c.

l'orange.

"... to attempt to impose upon man, a creature of growth and capable of sweetness, to ooze juicily at the last round the bearded lips of God, to attempt to impose, I say, laws and conditions appropriate to a mechanical creation, against this I raise my swords pen."

today: exceptionally productive. how'd that happen? 

- c.  

this norwegian boy

completes me. sondre lerche. his voice is like butter. 

- c. 

alone, but not for long.

i must rest. the hours keep passing by like minutes. i can't help but think of you all the time. i'm beginning to wonder if this getting over you process is just a waste. it's just me being in denial. it's me saying in my head, "i don't like you, i don't like you" over and over again when really, i do like you. there's no hiding from it. i may be frustrated, and confused, and annoyed by how you still haven't made any moves, but it doesn't mean i don't like you. 

i can't act angry. i can't act like i'm done with you. and the only way to approach the situation is just let things fall in to place. let the universe work it's way into this imperceptibly unstable romance happening between us. if it's mean to be, it is. and we won't think about "if it isn't." 

crossing my fingers. hoping for the best.

- c. 

love writes a letter and sends it to hate.

van gogh. 

- c. 

je t'aime.

music provides the filling to the empty void that is my jelly donut heart. 

- c. 

redhead.

wish i was one. 

- c. 

selective wishing.

one day, i will find myself a cheap unbroken film camera lying under a pile of leaves in the middle of autumn. i'll be walking through a park on a busy sunday in the earliest break of afternoon, with a big knitted scarf around my neck, and a patterned sweater i bought at the thrift store for $4.59. dark jeans that i haven't washed in weeks, and a pair of sneakers with the sight of past adventures on it's exterior. it's windy, and cold, but as i am, dressed accordingly, i'll be snug. i'll have a book in my hand, and a messenger bag over my shoulder. i'll wander around, thinking about the current boy of the month i've had my eye on, watch children laughing, see an old couple sitting on a bench locking arms as i pass by, and young lovers on the opposite side kissing and touching, embracing love. i look at the sky; clouds, everywhere. and me, with nothing better to do but to contemplate, situate, and read. i find an empty bench, and begin me-time. 

then, at that moment, my eyes will wander off the page, and see a string sticking out of the small heaping load of assorted colored leaves next to me. the browns, the yellows, the reds, small hints of dirt, encompassing my soon to be treasure. i sweep them off, and find this. this camera. still fully intact, the lens not broken, scratches here and there, actually, everywhere, but no battery, and no film. 

but i still smile, so big, and so bright, and walk my way to the nearest drug store, and buy a couple of triple a's, and a roll of film. it will be a good day.

- c. 

dreaming of revelry.

jackson pollock. 

- c. 

- c. 

fortunate men only.

lazy days. everything is a haze.

deliver the past through the streaming dreams of fate's warnings. 

get my mind off the present, 

of the boy's face delibartely on repeat. 

today, i searched for a freckle on your face. but i don't think you noticed.

you never do notice. 

but i still like you, and i still crave for your attention. 

but we're different, on the spectrum of emotional stability. 

me, being the at the end, where crying is a natural born ability. 

and you, at the beginning, where you are solid, and pure. 

where your life is planned out for you. 

but you want to be free... and why don't you? 

why tolerate the restrictions of what you love? 

but who am i to judge, 

a boy so oblivious and wonderful.

i see you across the room, staring when you're looking down. 

every thought that comes to my head is nothing but adoration. 

nothing but half driven smiles, twinkling hearts throbbing through my pupils. 

i want to know you. 

i want to know your secrets, your passions, your guilts. 

your doubts, your hidden pleasures, your favorite knitted quilts. 

your favorite thing to eat or the way you twirl spaghetti, your best dance moves or who you think is pretty. 

what do you adore? what do you crave? 

is it a person, or is it freedom? 

or is it both.... and is it me? 

if only you knew how often i think about you. 

but would you ever think of me? 

- c. 

fact.

so brilliant. so what i'm currently feeling. most men are clueless. they will never know how you feel based merely on facial expression and body language. they will have no idea you may like them unless you blatantly shout it in their face. i wish you men could understand us. we're more than just a few pages you can study for. you need to pay attention... you are sometimes so consumed with your life, you don't see what's standing right in front of you. 

- c. 

"genius is born – not paid."

oscar wilde knows what he's talking about .


- c.

baby's hands.

the left is much better than the right. found this on my computer from last year. not bad for being a complete amateur. i've already expressed this to a random boy in my english class, but i really want to learn how to draw well. it's one of my dreams to be able to establish myself through art. i'd like to take a drawing class sometime soon. unless someone would be wonderful enough to teach me. 

- c. 

i wish that i could make you turn around.

yesterday was too emotional and almost too embarrassing to talk about. crying in public places makes me uneasy. it's not my right to cry in front of peers or strangers or friends. when i feel that way, i want it to be by myself. somewhere quiet, where the noise doesn't hinder my own thoughts and contemplation, where i can wipe my tears, and not be afraid of who sees me. but it happens. 

i wonder what you would've done if you saw my face covered in tears, my eyes puffy and sullen, my weeps pinching the heart, the bone, every part of you, dragged to the ground. what would've you done if you saw me like this? disheveled, residue of mascara stained below my eyes, above the cheeks, messy, flustered and flawed on every level? would you comfort me? would you still like me? would you hold my hand and tell me all will be okay? or would you walk away, and stare. only hoping that things will heal itself... even if you know all of it may be because of you.  because you don't want to make it worse. 

i need a boy that can love me with every part of his heart. i need to fit somewhere close, somewhere safe. i need to feel like if i were hurt, or crying, he would be there. he would make me feel like the universe wasn't so vast, and the world wasn't spinning so loudly. the depiction of him versus reality, seem to have nothing in common. and i wish this boy, this boy i'm falling so deeply for, is the expectation i've always seen in him. all the potential, his hand clasped in mind, his eyes, looking at me. his smile, because of me. this complete adoration stems from his quirk, his wet, his maturity, his intelligence... but can he love? 

we'll just have to see. 

- c. 

hello hello.

i've been wanting to make a blogspot all summer. 

and here we are, in september. 

finally here, finally here. 

more seclusion, more devotion. words i can't be afraid of. 

i hope i don't publicise this too much. 

since i'm absent of a camera, i'd like to dedicate this blog to more words. more words than sound, or photograph. more spilling, rather than spreading. more venting, rather than complaining. overtime, reinvention should take it's place. 

life, that is, is life. there is no other way to explain it. 

- c.