I don't care how this comes out sounding. I'm just going to say this, out loud, into the open, without worrying about anyone reading this. As if this was my own diary of thoughts. I just need to let this out.
I can't do this. I can't just be your friend. I can't just sit here and watch you try to resist liking me. I hate this so much. I hate that I like you, and you like me, and yet we still can't be together because you're not ready for a relationship. I hate this. I hate this. I hate that I can't be with you. I hate that you can't hold me. Or text me in the middle of the night telling me all of the weird things that go through your head. I miss you. I miss you already. This is going to be so difficult, trying to hold back everything that's already been out in the open.
I just hate my heart for letting itself start to just fall for you, day by day, minute by minute. Why did you have to come into my life? Why couldn't I just find someone, and be close to someone, and fall for someone, that wants to be with me? Why do you have to make this so hard? I feel so alone. I feel so very alone. I don't know why I said that we should just try to be friends....
I'm not going to be happy. I have a feeling I'm going to be even more miserable than I was before.
I hate the outcomes of life. I hate boys. I hate this situation we're in. I hate that I can't fucking love you.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
last night's musings.
so, I realized that I never really talk about my days in detail on here anymore. I write things solely for the need to express myself and the revelations that I hope will inspire the eyes that read it. But right now, I feel the need to just tell you what happened to me yesterday, before all of these feelings start to wear off from the night.
I can’t really remember what happened to me at school. I was really exhausted and tried to keep myself from collapsing. I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened the night before. I was a mess. I was cold, and I was broken, and I had an essay to write that prolonged until the next morning. I couldn’t concentrate on anything yesterday. Every time I thought about what I saw, I grew silent, and felt the cracks in my heart slowly start to reopen. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what my heart wanted. So I just got through the day, kind of loopy, trying to avoid confronting the feelings trying to barge out and cause even more worry than I needed.
After my last class, I sat down in the hallway, leaned against the wall, and fell asleep on Jeremy’s shoulder, almost instantaneously. After 30 minutes of eye resting and replaying Creature Fear by Bon Iver inside of my head to sing me to sleep, I woke up in a haze, and saw Eddie and David sitting across from me. I felt bad that Jeremy couldn’t move that whole time because my head was depending on his jacket to keep me from having a concussion. But… I was glad he let me take a nap on him.
We went out to eat afterwards to celebrate Eddie’s belated birthday dinner, just us four. We were there for awhile, eating, and talking, and eating, and talking. Hours kept passing us by that didn’t seem so long at all. When we left, we huddled in the parking lot wondering what places were open at 11pm because none of us had any intention of wanting to go home yet. We decided to stay in Jeremy’s car, because it was cold outside, and all we wanted to do was just hang out and keep talking. After a few minutes, I found myself squished between three men in the backseat, with the boy I liked’s arms around me, and listening to the other two having moments of brotherly love that was tinkering on the line of being a little homo. (note, one is gay, and the other is not.) Even though my parents were gone for the weekend, and my aunt was watching my sisters, I still just felt so guilty and kept checking my phone repeatedly for the time. I kept thinking about how late it was, and how I’m supposed to be home, and how I just wanted so badly to stay sitting there, with my face buried in your chest, and letting the world be. But I couldn’t. After awhile… I tried to forget about it. I tried to realize that sometimes I had to break the rules sometimes and do things for myself. I’ve always wanted to stay out past midnight with people I can just trust and have fun with. I didn’t want to go home…. I just wanted to be with you in the close kind of way we were, where I could feel your scruffy face in my hair, and feel your chest move up and down as you breathed. But I didn’t know what we were doing. A part of me didn’t care, because I was finally with you, but the other half kept telling me to let go from your embrace. I didn’t want this moment to hit me when I’m alone again, wondering where you are, wondering why you’re not mine. But I was still, and quiet, and I closed my eyes, letting the moment we had there just happen because…. I didn’t know when it would again.
It started to get a little too comfortable in that car towards the end though. I don’t know how it happened, but Eddie started to massage the back of my right shoulder because I was so tense, and I let out a few… um, welps? I don’t even know lol. it just felt really really good and my reflexes were just being trigged by the spots he was getting at and I had no control of where my body was going or the noises that were coming out of my mouth. I even had to hold onto something to keep my balance because it was so… raucous. I just, it was a massage, okay! And then David started to give Eddie the same kind of massage and Eddie basically had the same reaction, except he was laughing. Then David switched with Eddie and he gave me a back massage and that was equally just as satisfying. And poor Jeremy, just kind of sitting there…. with my body turned towards him, and my head sometimes lowered close to his lap. It probably looked and sounded really bad, but it was all just so innocent, okay. I mean, if someone were to pass by and hear us, or see me with my messy, tosseled hair and flushed out cheeks coming out of the car saying, “…. God, that felt good” with three men close behind me, then yeah. I guess it would look a little questionable.
But I just had a really good night. Something I haven’t had in a long long time.
I can’t really remember what happened to me at school. I was really exhausted and tried to keep myself from collapsing. I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened the night before. I was a mess. I was cold, and I was broken, and I had an essay to write that prolonged until the next morning. I couldn’t concentrate on anything yesterday. Every time I thought about what I saw, I grew silent, and felt the cracks in my heart slowly start to reopen. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what my heart wanted. So I just got through the day, kind of loopy, trying to avoid confronting the feelings trying to barge out and cause even more worry than I needed.
After my last class, I sat down in the hallway, leaned against the wall, and fell asleep on Jeremy’s shoulder, almost instantaneously. After 30 minutes of eye resting and replaying Creature Fear by Bon Iver inside of my head to sing me to sleep, I woke up in a haze, and saw Eddie and David sitting across from me. I felt bad that Jeremy couldn’t move that whole time because my head was depending on his jacket to keep me from having a concussion. But… I was glad he let me take a nap on him.
We went out to eat afterwards to celebrate Eddie’s belated birthday dinner, just us four. We were there for awhile, eating, and talking, and eating, and talking. Hours kept passing us by that didn’t seem so long at all. When we left, we huddled in the parking lot wondering what places were open at 11pm because none of us had any intention of wanting to go home yet. We decided to stay in Jeremy’s car, because it was cold outside, and all we wanted to do was just hang out and keep talking. After a few minutes, I found myself squished between three men in the backseat, with the boy I liked’s arms around me, and listening to the other two having moments of brotherly love that was tinkering on the line of being a little homo. (note, one is gay, and the other is not.) Even though my parents were gone for the weekend, and my aunt was watching my sisters, I still just felt so guilty and kept checking my phone repeatedly for the time. I kept thinking about how late it was, and how I’m supposed to be home, and how I just wanted so badly to stay sitting there, with my face buried in your chest, and letting the world be. But I couldn’t. After awhile… I tried to forget about it. I tried to realize that sometimes I had to break the rules sometimes and do things for myself. I’ve always wanted to stay out past midnight with people I can just trust and have fun with. I didn’t want to go home…. I just wanted to be with you in the close kind of way we were, where I could feel your scruffy face in my hair, and feel your chest move up and down as you breathed. But I didn’t know what we were doing. A part of me didn’t care, because I was finally with you, but the other half kept telling me to let go from your embrace. I didn’t want this moment to hit me when I’m alone again, wondering where you are, wondering why you’re not mine. But I was still, and quiet, and I closed my eyes, letting the moment we had there just happen because…. I didn’t know when it would again.
It started to get a little too comfortable in that car towards the end though. I don’t know how it happened, but Eddie started to massage the back of my right shoulder because I was so tense, and I let out a few… um, welps? I don’t even know lol. it just felt really really good and my reflexes were just being trigged by the spots he was getting at and I had no control of where my body was going or the noises that were coming out of my mouth. I even had to hold onto something to keep my balance because it was so… raucous. I just, it was a massage, okay! And then David started to give Eddie the same kind of massage and Eddie basically had the same reaction, except he was laughing. Then David switched with Eddie and he gave me a back massage and that was equally just as satisfying. And poor Jeremy, just kind of sitting there…. with my body turned towards him, and my head sometimes lowered close to his lap. It probably looked and sounded really bad, but it was all just so innocent, okay. I mean, if someone were to pass by and hear us, or see me with my messy, tosseled hair and flushed out cheeks coming out of the car saying, “…. God, that felt good” with three men close behind me, then yeah. I guess it would look a little questionable.
But I just had a really good night. Something I haven’t had in a long long time.
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