you're tearing me apart.

It's nights like these that make me feel completely alone. Alone with the empty silence on the other line, alone with the tears that saturate into my pillow, alone with no one to talk to get through the night. All I have are these tiny white pills that help me fall asleep, so that I don't have to be awake with the burden of loneliness, gripping my heart night after night until it's no longer there.

I should be happy right now. Why am I not happy right now?

I suck.

Sometimes the only way I know how to cope with sadness and feeling down, is turning off all the noise from the outside world. The noise that enters my head and filters out all of these cynical ideas about not feeling good enough. The way other people make you feel like you have to be a certain way in order to feel accepted. The pressure of wanting to be all of these things, and feeling so low and beneath yourself when you can’t be them. I do this to myself. The world influences me in a way that makes me look at my life and feel like shit, all the time. So I shut down. I close all of the doors where pain enters my life and lowers my self esteem. I learn how to be okay alone. I learn how to be fine by myself, without anybody helping me get back on my feet, without any voices from the outside telling me how to be or act a certain way. I learn how to restart and I tell myself all of the things that make me who I am without having anyone else to compare myself to. I breathe. I breathe and I close my eyes and I embrace the absolute peacefulness of being alone. I need that sometimes. I need to mute the world and just listen to me. My voice, my thoughts, my heart, knowing that I don’t need anyone to tell me how to be okay, and I can do it all on my own. It makes everything feel better knowing you have that kind of control.

then

now
.


One year. Almost one entire year with you. I'm just so happy with how far we've come. I was in a very dark place in the last few months, but November has been treating me well, and treating us well, and I just love you. I love you.

This place.

This place is my home.

This place is real.

maybe I am the way I am... because of you. Maybe before I met you or before we were together, I didn't really have anyone to talk to, so I wrote and wrote and wrote all of the things that I was feeling and all of the things I wish I could say but couldn't, and now that I have someone to talk to, you don't really care too much about the things I think about at night. My thoughts aren't that interesting to you, or you don't have any input or respond to what I'm telling you, so I keep quiet. And I keep it to myself. And I don't even have the courage to write it out anymore because I'm too embarrassed or feel stupid for feeling the way I do.

I'll never forget that time I saw you in the morning by the stairs, and you kissed me before you hugged me. And you kissed me really hard, like your lips pressing against my lips, and even though it kind of hurt because I had a kanker sore on my lip (blehhhck) I remember smiling a lot, because you haven't done that to me in a long time, and that day was really great because it started that way, and I don't know, that moment will never leave me.

like new.

Wow. What a dreary month it's been. With October just a few hours away, I'm more than glad for September to be passing, and even more glad that I'm finally getting back on my feet at just the right time.

I will be okay. I must repeat that to myself.

maybe you're not the person I thought I was in love with anymore. maybe I was in love with someone else. and for a moment today, I saw him. I felt him here. "This is the boy I've fallen in love with 9 months ago. This is him. This is who I love." And I cried. As if you were gone for a long time, and I was finally seeing you and the pain of your absence just flooded through me and I never wanted you to leave again.

But you did. Almost as quickly as you came.

honestly,

finding the will to live is just becoming harder and harder to find these days. I know I'd never kill myself, because it's too gruesome and selfish and I'd never ever result to taking my own life. But sometimes I'm bombarded with the thoughts of falling asleep and never waking up for unexplainable reasons, or walking across the street and being hit by a bus. My heart feels heavy, all the time. And I feel like I have no control over anything in my life. And the people I love, the people I really really love, just aren't there for me as much as they used to. And I just want to leave this place and never come back.

I keep hoping for the past. That's my problem. I don't want to cry over something that doesn't exist anymore. I don't know what to do.

People aren't so bad

I don't know why I'm so afraid of talking to people and spending time with them. I don't know why I avoid conversations sometimes and prefer to be alone. Today I had Chipotle with my friend Dimitri, this greek guy two years older than me with good tennis shoes always, and I call him my friend because when we were talking today I told him, "Wow, our lives have so much in common" and he said, "I like you" and we shook hands on a newly found friendship. He's a cool guy. I've been pretty lost lately. That doesn't seem like anything new. I'm frustrated with my schedule this semester, the outcomes of the last two weeks and how much uncertainty lingered throughout my life, and I was just unhappy. and worrying again. And I'm not fun to be around when I'm worrying. Jeremy has been busy with his music again. Don't get me wrong though, I'm really happy to be seeing him everyday again at school, but it just seems like we're on different levels now when it comes to..... our lives. And focusing on what we want from life, occupation wise and blah blah, and I don't know. I love him a lot, and I want to be supportive of him, but he can't give me all of his attention anymore like last semester. And it just sucks because I'm not as busy anymore and I can't occupy my mind with other things so I just end up feeling bad. And alone. And not the good kind of alone. The "I feel left out from everyone around me and no one gets me" kind of alone. So today, while Jeremy was rehearsing, I walked to Chipotle with Dimitri and we talked a lot about life. Like finding what makes us happy, relationships, music, being young, traveling, what we want to gain from being alive. It was just nice having a conversation like that and talking to someone with a different perspective, or someone to just say, "I know how you feel completely." That's kind of how I felt when I was talking to Kevin a few days ago too.

Then after my chemistry class, Jeremy had to leave early to get a haircut and teach a lesson, so I was walking by myself and thinking about chem and my schedule again and what I should take, and I run into Tyler for the third time this week but this time I actually got to talk to him because we weren't rushing to class. He walked to the parking garage with me since we were both done and everything and it was nice talking to him too because we've been friends since high school and I always run into him everywhere but never get to talk to him for more than a few seconds. He's been trying to get me to jam with him on cello for the past year now, but I never have time or something always comes up where I can't, so tomorrow, hopefully, PROBABLY, we'll play music together and I can have another friend (since I feel like I have no friends) and feel okay about myself and not be alone. Because I worry a lot when I'm alone. And when I worry, I get anxious, and breakdown and feel sorry for myself and take it on Jeremy even though he's trying his best and I can't blame him for being committed to his music because music is his life and I'm not his life. Which is okay. Because he's a really great boyfriend.... and I know he loves me. So talking to other people, and connecting with people, is the best medicine for me right now.

After school, I also decided to get my lab coat for chemistry by myself at Scrubs & Beyond and I had so much fun trying on those lab coats. I came home and showed my parents and they were excited because I looked like a doctor lol. My dad took pictures of me in it which was weird, but maybe i'll post it sometime because I think I look cute in it hehe. Those labcoats were really nice by the way and I'm excited to wear mine to class. Oh, and it also rained. Which was nice. And I went shopping a little bit at Marshall's and tried on clothes. But didn't buy anything. Because well, I'm pretty broke. But it was still fun-ish though. And I listened to the whole panic album today while I was driving everywhere. So. Good.

Soooooo there you have it. Some unexpected encounters today that made me realize a lot of things about life, and people, and myself. At this point, any change is good for me. Anything to get me out of this self-deprecating rut I keep falling into. Because no one likes those. Nope. Not at all.

hello new semester

So, my absence on here is prevalent. My apologies. But I'm back, mostly because I feel like I have nowhere else to go, and blogspot's still hip, right? Right. Anyway, I'm back at school. And I'm more than happy to be here. The summer months have been making me dreary and anxious and lazy, and I feel much better now. Sort of. My skin has been really really bad lately. I don't think it's ever been this irritating before. It's starting to affect the way I feel about myself, and I walk around campus sometimes feeling like a disease. I have a dermatologist appointment this week, and hopefully I won't have to go to bed feeling bad about myself anymore, or scratching my skin so much that it starts to bleed and make patches of my skin white and discolored. I just hate that it's all over my face now :( But I will be better.

Last night I met up with Kevin to eat. Well, I watched him eat at least. And it was really nice to see him. I don't see my friends from high school anymore. My life has mostly revolved around school, my family, and Jeremy. and cello, a little bit. I told Kevin that I was in a rough patch in my life right now. We all have those moments where we just feel less than who we really are. I feel overwhelmed by decisions that are supposed to shape my life in the long-run, and I just don't feel like myself anymore. But Kevin told me that it's normal to feel that way. I'm stepping into this new environment, with new people, and I just haven't settled into it yet. I just thought I had myself figured out already, you know? But I was wrong. I still have so much to learn about who I am, and who I'll be, and what I'll become. My being is essentially a work in progress. So it was nice to hear that from him, because he was feeling the same way about college. I hope this semester, I can find friends more like me, and I can actually feel like myself again.

Jeremy and I have been together for almost 9 months now. He makes me really happy. We were going through some things this summer with our relationship. I was down a lot, and he was always busy with his music, and it was just hard for me adjusting to change. We didn't see or talk to each other as much anymore, and in a lot of ways, we were both just.... tired of summer. And it really affected our relationship. I just worry a lot. About too many things. But now that we're back in school, and I have no doubts that I love that boy more than anything.

As far as how I'm feeling at this very moment though, I'm tired. I'm really tired. My body's just weak and I'm overwhelmed by school and decisions and I just want everything to be okay. Please be okay.

even though you're here, i still feel like your mind is somewhere else. it doesn't feel like things have really changed for us. you don't get as excited anymore when we do certain things like you used to. i'm still thinking about that night we had, when we got ice cream and went to the park, but you never said anything about it afterwards, or even cared to talk about it that night on the phone. while i'm here, still thinking about it, still smiling about it, because you're still all i think of. and those nights are still special to me. and when i think about how much it does mean to me, and think of how maybe it doesn't mean that much to you anymore, i just kind of want to cry.

i just don't know sometimes with you.

sometimes I read the way I write and I'm immediately caught off by what I'm saying because it's a direct indicator that it's not me. It's me trying to be something that I'd like to be. but I don't like it, not one bit, so I might as well just be myself. I catch myself wondering who I am sometimes. You get so caught up with life that you forget to recognize the person you tiredly glance at every morning and night in the mirror. My friend told me today that I was a friendly person, and that I wasn't shy. I don't know why that caught me off guard. because I guess for the longest time, I believed myself to be someone with low confidence and self-esteem. Someone who was struggling to fit into a group of people so unlike herself that she started to question who she was. I miss being with people that know me. People that can reassure me of the good qualities I have, instead of poking fun at every one of my flaws.

I miss my friends. I love my boyfriend more than you could possibly know, but sometimes, I just need the comfort of a friend. Of someone who's known me longer and can tell me about the girl I used to be. and still am. Because for some reason... I seem to forget.

... tired.

scratching my eye, touching my face, in dire need of a shower. I came home from a long day at school, only to find a box of pizza, fried rice, and fish tacos. what has gotten into my family's eating habits. the kitchen was such a mess. it was already 9:00 at night but I washed the dishes and swept the floor anyway. and now I'm tired. and I just watched cupcake wars (which is so intense) and I have one more biology chapter to study for but I need to shower.

ugh choices. ugh.

what a nice day.

first day back from spring break and it wasn't awful! it actually felt kind of nice to have the familiarity of things again. bio lecture was extremely painful to remain attentive though. I was tired, even though I woke up on time voluntarily without my alarm, and we were talking about meiosis and genetics and I'm just not a fan. I saw my boo before I went to class when he called me and said he was coming out of the garage. Oh, it was so nice to see him. In the sunglasses I got him for christmas and his v-neck sweater (which he has an overabundant supply of) and yes, I love him. and seeing him. and he said I was pretty. I was having a good hair day I thought so that was nice to hear.


then we went to einstein bro's bagels for lunch and jeremy found my receipt collection amusing so he took a picture of it. what, i don't like throwing anything away. oh, and he also thought he found a tooth in one of my bagels. but i continued eating it because i was hungry and my bagel was delicious.


then jeremy had a doctor's appointment after class so I came home early from school for once and had shrimp tacos from rubio's! It's probably tastier than it is appealing. That is if you think that picture looks unappealing. oh, they're so wonderfully yummy though. my tummy was happy.


I cleaned the house a little bit, folded laundry, swept the floor, fed my sister, then jeremy picked me up and we went shoe shopping together. look we match! :)


he also likes tying my shoes for me.


The more I look at this picture the more I feel like going back there and getting them. but then jeremy and I would match all the time and we're probably already obnoxious enough.


but I ended up buying these. they had a buy one get one 1/2 off sale at the vans store. they're nice and girly. and appropriate for the springy/summer attire approaching soon. happy with my purchase. and my day.


and oh, us holding hands. I know it's clichè and stuff but I've always wanted a picture like this. showing our affection during car rides and our hands looking so chubby and all. today was so lovely.

last day of spring break.

hung out with allison today. she has the cutest room and the cutest lights hanging over her window. when I have an apartment, I'm taking her with me to ikea so she can be my interior designer. It was nice hanging out with her today. I need more girl friends! we caught up with life and she told me how college at UW was. how I wish I could be in seattle right now, near the sea, surrounded by trees. sounds so wonderful. I want the college experience so badly! one day one day. and she made me these dark chocolate cream cheese brownies. oh my goodness, so yummy. I just missed her too much.


then I came home, finished laundry, practiced finally, and ichatted with my biff and his little sister. they're both so cute aren't they :)

spring break had it's ups and downs. I wish I could've seen more of my friends from out of state, but when I think about it, a lot of my closer friends didn't even come back for spring break. Sad. but I saw my boyfriend a lot, which is always the biggest up in my book. farewell lazy days of cleaning and being on tumblr until the sun comes up. back to school, back to routine, back to the books. s'all good though. I am revived and well rested and ready to be busy again. Oy. hope I can still keep this up.

night!

saturday.

today was mostly uneventful and lazy and I'm completely okay with that. drove to the store to buy my mom cans of diced tomatoes and was approached by boy scouts who were so cute that I had to buy whatever it was they were selling me for $5. okay, anything children are persuading me to buy are my weakness. It was also super windy today which I was not a fan of. small particles flying into my contacts, not okay. Then I came home and my mom made some delicious tomato basil pasta. she watched movies all day while I stayed in my room and blogged all day so I guess we are more alike than it seems. Then I watched grown ups with my madre and belle and then other things happened, like practicing and picking up my sister and NOT finishing the hunger games :( such failed expectations. that's alright. then jeremy took such an attractive picture of himself which came up on my dashboard and I fangirled over my own boyfriend. I like that picture so much that I'm tempted to post it on here, but that would be creepy, even if I am his significant other and all. wouldn't know if that would be socially acceptable.

but tempted.

I love you I love you I love you.

seeing jeremy tonight is just what I needed to get out of this depressing funk I've fallen into the past two days. I was supposed to go to serendipity tonight with some of my friends that are back in town for spring break, but jeremy came out of his rehearsal later than I expected and I didn't want to be there an hour late :/ But.... maybe spending time with just him worked out a little better, because I've never felt so happy again. We ate at pho saigon, which was really good since I only ate a quarter of a muffin all day. Then we went back to his house, and he took me to his room, and we just did the things we usually do to express our love and hormones to each other without actually "making love" and.. just... I'm really happy. I like lying in his bed and watching him from across the room, even if he's being a dork and putting on MY jeans (which actually fit on him and resulted in my lowered self esteem), but whatever. I like it whenever he's on top of me, and I can feel our bodies getting warmer through our clothes. I like it when he drives me home, and he slows down before he makes a turn to my street, so that he can kiss me without my parents seeing. I like the way he looks at me too.... and when he tells me that I'm just so beautiful and pretty and that I look good in the nighttime. It makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world that matters to him when he says things like that to me. He's a wonderful boyfriend.... and I'm lucky to have him.

Sometimes I forget about the good things in my life, the greatest part of my life. I never want to let myself feel that way ever again, because I have someone that loves me. And that should be enough.

things that would make me feel better.

- "I love you, even with all of your flaws."
- "I'm here for you."
- "I will fix you."
- "You're worth it to me."

I wish you could tell me these things. I wish I didn't hear complete silence on the other line as I cry. I wish you knew how to make me feel better..... you're the only person in this world that can make me feel better. And yet, I am still not better. And I quite possibly feel worse than before. All I need from you is to tell me how you feel. And if you don't feel these things.... then why are we here?

It hurts when I'm not with you. Because when I'm with you, you're the most wonderful boyfriend. You comfort me without words, and that's the best kind of comfort. When I'm alone..... I need words when your touch is absent. So give me words that I can wrap my heart around..... tell me that you'll always be here. Tell me that I make you feel like life is worth it. Tell me how you would feel if I died. I'm so depressed. I'm depressed because I have no control over my life. And I feel like shit because I'm a shitty girlfriend and a whiney human being. And just.... fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck I am pathetic.

no sleep, no makeup.

I am not a happy camper.

here, I will write.

I find a lot of comfort and sanctuary in my blogspot. There isn't anything quite like being able to say what you want and how you feel without worrying about whether or not it's good enough for people to read or being afraid of what they'll think. I just want this to be for me. And I need a place to getaway sometimes. I'm glad this still exists so I can do that. And I can ramble, which is the biggest plus.

I don't know why I feel this way right now. I was so happy earlier. I was so happy to talk to you, and look at your pictures, and think about how great it is to be with you. But for some reason, I looked at one of my friends's blogs, which is a couples blog kind of, where they just post things about their relationship together. and god, it's the cutest thing I've ever seen two people do. I mean... they really love each other, the way they talk about the things they like about each other and the things they do. Maybe I'm being spoiled for wanting more from him, but I don't know. He's wonderful.... and I love him. and I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. But maybe it's just the writer in me, the dare I say hopeless romantic speaking. I guess I feel like, sometimes, I just want him to express himself more to me. I want to feel like he appreciates me... when I'm not with him... and I want to know why it is he loves me. It'd be nice to have notes written to me, or cute poems, or just... small things that let me know he's always thinking about me. And that he loves me enough to go out of his comfort zone to make me happy.

I don't like being so needy. But that's just how I feel. and why I'm kind of in a disappointing mood.
Because... don't we all deserve the best? I never just want to feel like I'm settling. I want to be with him because I love him, and because he brings the best in me and vice versa. and I just... I just want him to give me a cute nickname.

I hate to fall asleep this way. I wish he knew when things were wrong with me.... I wish he could see that without me telling him. I wish he would call me and tell me he loves me properly. I love him a lot, I'm just so fussy and complicated and always having such high expectations. Maybe that's why I'm always so down at the end of the day. Because I think about all of the things that could be, instead of being happy with what I have. Ugh, I hate this.

1/365

I pulled up near your house and saw your poofy head of hair over the cars in your driveway, and I've never felt so happy to see you. In your blue striped shirt that I've never seen you wear and your worn out vans that reminded me of the days where I first started liking you, I saw you smile, and I smiled, because we were both thinking the same thing and feeling the same relief. I hugged you, and you kissed me, and I felt nervous for the first time since we began dating. Maybe it was because I haven't seen you in three days, which felt like three days too long. Or maybe it's because I wasn't sure how I was going to feel, with what happened, and if those bad feelings were going to come up again. But it didn't.... it was nothing but comfort. We drove to drop off your dad's car, and you sat in the passenger's seat, and I could see you at the corner of my eye looking at me the way you always look at me when you're not saying anything. It makes me feel like you love me when you do things like that.

We ate at your mom's. And I tried to refrain myself from eating so much of her spaghetti because I was starving and it was wonderful but I didn't want to seem like no one feeds me at home, even though almost 80% of your plate was piled spaghetti. I missed you then. I missed how much you ate. Three days. it was only three days. But I was sad, thinking about you, that whole time.... trying to get things together, trying to figure things out, when everything that's right was sitting right next to me. Yes, I missed you a whole lot. Your mom is so nice, just like your dad. When she left, I watched you clean the kitchen, and wash the dishes. I thought about how wonderful of a husband you would be..... how my parents will love you when you come for dinner and you help clean. After that, we went to your dad's, and you brought me upstairs, and I watched you change out of your pants into shorts, and you welcomed me into your bed. I missed you. Being with you tonight was just a reassurance of how much I love you... and even though you make mistakes, that love will never fade away. You're everything to me. I didn't think it was possible to love you more than I did. But it just keeps growing every single day. I liked how you whispered things in my ear when I was on my stomach, even though you said that you didn't know how to say... things. I love your neck... how I can bury my face into it, and you can do the same with mine. And when we were done upstairs, still fully clothed (see, it's possible), we went into your backyard, and we sat together on your swing finally. And I remembered when I was still trying to figure out our likeness for each other, we talked about this moment. How you wished I was there with you, how nice the weather was, how you would show me the stars one day and take me on a boat or something. And now it was happening, the backyard thing, not the boat thing. It all just felt so surreal.

I love this boy so much. And today was just..... so great.

this room has a pulse.

I feel like I can't count how many times I've been in this position. In the same enclosed darkness that suffocates me until I can't breathe. I stare at the dimly lit walls, from the cracks of the streetlight trying to break through my windows. The night time has two effects on me. The thoughts that linger and remain captive until unbearable hours. One of a great contemplation and a reflection of the self. And sadness. Nothing but sadness.

All I want to do is cry. All I've been doing is crying. And it's killing me. I sprawl across my bed, my body numb, my hands aching, feeling like I should die. I repeat it over and over again in my head until it becomes real. And I think about if anyone would ever cry for me, as if pain were contagious. I feel alone. I feel so alone. And even with someone that loves me, I'm still here. Typing thought after thought, in a room that's seen every ache in my heart, every night I've cried myself to sleep, every breakdown I've ever had. I wish I were somewhere else. Somewhere where I didn't have to feel so alone like I do right now. I'm losing all of my friends, because I push them away. I feel like I'm so messed up inside and so emotionally unstable that no one could possibly ever love me. And I think about that. How no one can ever love me. The day I find myself in a pool of my own tears because I pushed the only person that loved me, too. I've been torn apart to so many pieces that it's left scars in my subconscious. I just never want to feel alone like this...... I never want to feel the aches in my heart like I do now. I hate feeling left out. I hate feeling so helpless. I hate that my life isn't my own. I hate feeling this way. I hate being who I am.

I just want to close all of the doors, and never let anyone in. Even though that's what I need. someone to tell me that I'll never have to be alone. I'm so depressed right now. All I want is to be with him, and talk to him, but I'm just so hurt. Make it go away.... please make it go away.