tired. i'm so tired.

i don't care anymore. i really don't. i'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight because i'm so sick of you doing this to me. i'm so tired of you under appreciating me. i hope you have tons of fun with your friends tomorrow, i really do. because you spending time with me just isn't enough for you.

i'm tired of this. i'm tired of wanting to be with you. i'm sick of you sending me these mixed signals. i'm tired of waiting for you to figure things out. it's either you like me, or you don't. you either want to be with me, or you just want to be friends. stop treating me like i can be something more. i don't want anymore in betweens.

it just isn't fair. i want to be with someone that wants to be with me. someone that's proud of me. someone that thinks i'm worth talking about. someone that will fight for me.

i don't understand. i just need to let you go. i keep telling myself that over and over again but i never end up doing it. i see you too often. i'm with you all the time. how is there any room for me to let you go?

words of advice: do not stick around and wait for someone that is unsure of how they feel for you. they will never be sure. never. until you leave and try to find someone new, that's when they'll be dumbshits and realize you're gone and say, "oh..... I lost her."

this is all just too familiar.
.... I'm so fed up with you.

disappointing.

i love that when blogging about your day, every aspect of what happened is mentioned, except the part where you spend time with me. every. single. day.

.....

what am i supposed to do here?

it's late.

just when i thought i was about to let you go, you drag me back in. one of our friends told me someone talked to you about us. and i'm not entirely sure if i'm okay with your answer. you don't want a relationship right now, you want to be friends, but you're interested in seeing where it goes with us.

i know people like to "get to know" a person over time before they start dating, but... i feel like when you're spending your entire day with one person, 5 days a week, and never skipping a day without talking or texting, how much more time does someone need before they realize, "yeah. this person. this girl. she's the one." i feel like when you find someone you click with, you should just go for it. don't jump into it immediately, give it a few weeks, depending on how often you're actually with the person. with you.... i'm sure i've never left your sight since we've met nearly a month ago. we're always together. always. we talk all the time. i know that i like you. i knew the moment i met you, and talked to you for that very limited amount of time in the audition room. why don't you see that with me?

i guess i'm just being extra anal. i understand where he's coming from. i just see it so differently. maybe it's because i'm just eager and ready to have a relationship. but if you want to stay friends for now.... i'll let you do that. so long as i still get to have you in the end. take all the time you want.

actually, no. hurry up. i'm patient, but i mean, i'm not that patient.

well well well.

i always want to practice during this time of the day where people are sleeping and don't want to be disturbed by the loud vibrations of my cello. i always want what i can't have.

life is seemingly well and optimistic. everything is quite nice. my library book is way past overdue, but that's because i lost it at school. i think i'm going to practice. i really want to. i feel a surge of spontaneity tonight. i was supposed to do my readings for philosophy today but.... no.

that's what sundays are for.

where is my mind.

all i can really ever talk about is this guy. i wish i had more variety in my brain to encompass different topics of my life, but the truth of the matter is: i'm falling for him. and when that happens, my mind will be occupied of him for the remainder of all my days. it's very difficult for me to try to guess if he likes me or not. i talked to him for 7 hours straight last night. i couldn't even believe it at first. he sent me so much music. it's going to take me forever and a day to listen to all of it. but i loved it so much. i loved that we were sharing music (well... he was sharing mostly. i gave him like 3 songs next to the 200+ he was rapidly spewing at me lol) but it was just... fun. the truth is, i'd much rather talk to him in person than on online. i like him so much more. and i can talk about things more comfortably because the guy spaces out a lot i guess. when we were talking last night, he was telling me about how nice it was outside in his backyard at 1 in the morning. and he wanted me to be there with him. i told him how often i miss the stars.... and he told me he'll take me to see them soon. that's usually understood as him liking me, right? i'd like to think so, but i still have my doubts.

i just really want him to ask me out on a date or something. he's never complimented me on anything before. he's never said i was pretty or liked any of my pictures. he's never said i smelled good, or my hair is nice, or he likes anything about me. so a girl would only assume he's either a.) hiding it or b.) he isn't into me whatsoever. i have no idea. it's driving me crazy. because i always tell him i like his clothes. or his shoes. or his hair. or his smile. or how he smells. anything. i just say it, because i want him to know.

i just feel like i'm ready to have a boyfriend. i haven't had one in so long. i've never been romantically (and when i say romantically i mean physically) involved with a guy since my freshman year in high school. in seems really strange to think about that because i'm always going after someone. but someone usually out of my league. i seem to be picky, too. i don't just go out with any guy that's giving me attention. i have a type, you know. and this boy.... he is everything. i seem to just have so much faith that we're supposed to be together. i have never had so much in common with someone in my entire life. i picture this ideal guy in my head.... what he looks like, what he acts like, what he cares about... and it's him. almost exactly. the only problem though is just that he's not taking more initiative. he needs to act like he likes me more if he does. i just want him to acknowledge that i exist to him when i'm not with him or talking to him. write about me. talk about me. type my name on the numerous social networking sites you have! something. anything. tell me i look nice one day... or everyday. because seriously, i'm waking up 2 hours early to dress cutely for you! or tell me that i'm funny? or i make you laugh. or i make you happy. why are you such a boy? you can't possibly be the clueless. you can't. NO guy is this oblivious. everyday, i'm trying so hard to contain myself with you because one day, i will seriously pin you against a wall and tell you how much i like you. and i will be aggressive. and angry. and you will like it.

-sigh-
i must be more patient. and less crazy.

i wish.

i wish you knew how i was feeling.
i wish you knew how to make me happy.
i wish you could tell me i was pretty.
or i was talented.
or you like my pictures.
or you like the way i write.

i wish you knew what was important to me.
all i want is for you to care. then all things would be encompassed.

these sighs are endless.

i was really excited when you told me the picture of us was going to be your 365 picture yesterday. i waited until you got on so i could see what you would say about me.... for the first time. but you put up a different picture with your other friends instead.

expectations, please stop crushing me.

my insides are loud tonight.

why is my stomach being so aggressive? it's gross. i hope i don't have to make several trips to the bathroom while i'm sleeping tonight. that'd be so inconvenient. and not classy.


i'm usually pretty sly with taking candids of people. but i wasn't really thinking this morning and i set the camera on the window near david, and he def saw. i'm also not very good with camera placement, either, seeing that i wanted to get his face. and i didn't. crappy photo in general, but when i look at it, i remember how much i laughed when they were making fun of me for trying to take it stealthily.

i really love this photo. i don't have a very expensive camera and this shot got such great quality. i went to violin outlet today to get my bow hair redid. i saw this guy that worked there that i recognized from honor orchestra. and he recognized me too. he was probably into me. he kept giving me double takes. i mean i had a cute outfit today (black ruffle waist skirt and a striped white and navy blue tanktop tucked in) but i was sweating like balls. so, really, who knows what guys are into these days. i probably came off as being a hooker.

my friends think he's so attractive. i'd have to agree with that statement. i'm trying to be really patient with this boy. it's hard being able to see him all the time and not scream, "god dayum i lurrrrrv you!!!" but i'll wait. no biggie. but on tuesday, we're going to a concert together with the other cello boys. and he's picking me up... in his date car... that's good right?

even though i got really sucky parking this day, i was so taken aback by the view from the roof of the garage. i could see the strip and everything. i probably couldn't find parking for a reason. i wouldn't have been able to see this.

college is quite wonderful. as long as i have faith that God will take care of me no matter what happens, i'm good. i need to stay strong.


-c.

confessions.

i like you, a lot. and i feel like you like me, too. but if you really did like me.... you would do something about it. and since you aren't doing anything about it, i guess... you don't like me enough to do so.

for now.... i'm keeping these feelings tucked away. i'm not going to put myself out there anymore for you. i can't. i'm not as strong as you think. you make me happy. every time i see you smile at me or hug me, everything in the world feels okay. i like you that much. but i'm pretty sure you haven't even mentioned my name. i don't even think you want anyone to know that you've been spending so much time with me. i think it makes you uncomfortable when people ask if we're dating.

or maybe you do like me and you're just a guy and don't want to show it.
i have no idea.

but for now....
i need to keep my heart safe.