like new.

Wow. What a dreary month it's been. With October just a few hours away, I'm more than glad for September to be passing, and even more glad that I'm finally getting back on my feet at just the right time.

I will be okay. I must repeat that to myself.

maybe you're not the person I thought I was in love with anymore. maybe I was in love with someone else. and for a moment today, I saw him. I felt him here. "This is the boy I've fallen in love with 9 months ago. This is him. This is who I love." And I cried. As if you were gone for a long time, and I was finally seeing you and the pain of your absence just flooded through me and I never wanted you to leave again.

But you did. Almost as quickly as you came.

honestly,

finding the will to live is just becoming harder and harder to find these days. I know I'd never kill myself, because it's too gruesome and selfish and I'd never ever result to taking my own life. But sometimes I'm bombarded with the thoughts of falling asleep and never waking up for unexplainable reasons, or walking across the street and being hit by a bus. My heart feels heavy, all the time. And I feel like I have no control over anything in my life. And the people I love, the people I really really love, just aren't there for me as much as they used to. And I just want to leave this place and never come back.

I keep hoping for the past. That's my problem. I don't want to cry over something that doesn't exist anymore. I don't know what to do.

People aren't so bad

I don't know why I'm so afraid of talking to people and spending time with them. I don't know why I avoid conversations sometimes and prefer to be alone. Today I had Chipotle with my friend Dimitri, this greek guy two years older than me with good tennis shoes always, and I call him my friend because when we were talking today I told him, "Wow, our lives have so much in common" and he said, "I like you" and we shook hands on a newly found friendship. He's a cool guy. I've been pretty lost lately. That doesn't seem like anything new. I'm frustrated with my schedule this semester, the outcomes of the last two weeks and how much uncertainty lingered throughout my life, and I was just unhappy. and worrying again. And I'm not fun to be around when I'm worrying. Jeremy has been busy with his music again. Don't get me wrong though, I'm really happy to be seeing him everyday again at school, but it just seems like we're on different levels now when it comes to..... our lives. And focusing on what we want from life, occupation wise and blah blah, and I don't know. I love him a lot, and I want to be supportive of him, but he can't give me all of his attention anymore like last semester. And it just sucks because I'm not as busy anymore and I can't occupy my mind with other things so I just end up feeling bad. And alone. And not the good kind of alone. The "I feel left out from everyone around me and no one gets me" kind of alone. So today, while Jeremy was rehearsing, I walked to Chipotle with Dimitri and we talked a lot about life. Like finding what makes us happy, relationships, music, being young, traveling, what we want to gain from being alive. It was just nice having a conversation like that and talking to someone with a different perspective, or someone to just say, "I know how you feel completely." That's kind of how I felt when I was talking to Kevin a few days ago too.

Then after my chemistry class, Jeremy had to leave early to get a haircut and teach a lesson, so I was walking by myself and thinking about chem and my schedule again and what I should take, and I run into Tyler for the third time this week but this time I actually got to talk to him because we weren't rushing to class. He walked to the parking garage with me since we were both done and everything and it was nice talking to him too because we've been friends since high school and I always run into him everywhere but never get to talk to him for more than a few seconds. He's been trying to get me to jam with him on cello for the past year now, but I never have time or something always comes up where I can't, so tomorrow, hopefully, PROBABLY, we'll play music together and I can have another friend (since I feel like I have no friends) and feel okay about myself and not be alone. Because I worry a lot when I'm alone. And when I worry, I get anxious, and breakdown and feel sorry for myself and take it on Jeremy even though he's trying his best and I can't blame him for being committed to his music because music is his life and I'm not his life. Which is okay. Because he's a really great boyfriend.... and I know he loves me. So talking to other people, and connecting with people, is the best medicine for me right now.

After school, I also decided to get my lab coat for chemistry by myself at Scrubs & Beyond and I had so much fun trying on those lab coats. I came home and showed my parents and they were excited because I looked like a doctor lol. My dad took pictures of me in it which was weird, but maybe i'll post it sometime because I think I look cute in it hehe. Those labcoats were really nice by the way and I'm excited to wear mine to class. Oh, and it also rained. Which was nice. And I went shopping a little bit at Marshall's and tried on clothes. But didn't buy anything. Because well, I'm pretty broke. But it was still fun-ish though. And I listened to the whole panic album today while I was driving everywhere. So. Good.

Soooooo there you have it. Some unexpected encounters today that made me realize a lot of things about life, and people, and myself. At this point, any change is good for me. Anything to get me out of this self-deprecating rut I keep falling into. Because no one likes those. Nope. Not at all.

hello new semester

So, my absence on here is prevalent. My apologies. But I'm back, mostly because I feel like I have nowhere else to go, and blogspot's still hip, right? Right. Anyway, I'm back at school. And I'm more than happy to be here. The summer months have been making me dreary and anxious and lazy, and I feel much better now. Sort of. My skin has been really really bad lately. I don't think it's ever been this irritating before. It's starting to affect the way I feel about myself, and I walk around campus sometimes feeling like a disease. I have a dermatologist appointment this week, and hopefully I won't have to go to bed feeling bad about myself anymore, or scratching my skin so much that it starts to bleed and make patches of my skin white and discolored. I just hate that it's all over my face now :( But I will be better.

Last night I met up with Kevin to eat. Well, I watched him eat at least. And it was really nice to see him. I don't see my friends from high school anymore. My life has mostly revolved around school, my family, and Jeremy. and cello, a little bit. I told Kevin that I was in a rough patch in my life right now. We all have those moments where we just feel less than who we really are. I feel overwhelmed by decisions that are supposed to shape my life in the long-run, and I just don't feel like myself anymore. But Kevin told me that it's normal to feel that way. I'm stepping into this new environment, with new people, and I just haven't settled into it yet. I just thought I had myself figured out already, you know? But I was wrong. I still have so much to learn about who I am, and who I'll be, and what I'll become. My being is essentially a work in progress. So it was nice to hear that from him, because he was feeling the same way about college. I hope this semester, I can find friends more like me, and I can actually feel like myself again.

Jeremy and I have been together for almost 9 months now. He makes me really happy. We were going through some things this summer with our relationship. I was down a lot, and he was always busy with his music, and it was just hard for me adjusting to change. We didn't see or talk to each other as much anymore, and in a lot of ways, we were both just.... tired of summer. And it really affected our relationship. I just worry a lot. About too many things. But now that we're back in school, and I have no doubts that I love that boy more than anything.

As far as how I'm feeling at this very moment though, I'm tired. I'm really tired. My body's just weak and I'm overwhelmed by school and decisions and I just want everything to be okay. Please be okay.