NONE. i've never felt less inspired in my entire life. i cannot finish this state of the union paper. i can't. really. i'm falling asleep in my own notes. and i have english hw to finish, plus math hw? and i wasn't even there because i had to watch chinese acrobats!
whatever @ life.
no joke.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
don't hate, update.
i'm sorry i haven't been consistent writing on here. every time i log onto this i read the last post i wrote and my mouth almost drops. what was i thinking? i'm constantly moving, changing, and growing. and i've grown out of my nostalgic feelings. that phase is long gone. i'm more worried about my future now. which is scarier. i wish i could blog on a daily basis, but i've lost my drive. and i hate my computer.
life... i don't know. men.... gone. there was a point between the last post and this one where i had my hands full of new arising potential. i was confused. for so long i didn't have anyone, and then bam. two people were standing in front of me. and guess what? i didn't take either. i'm really just taking a break from boys. i see no point. i'm done chasing, and i'm ready to just wait. because in the pursuit of love, the boy should either put more effort than the girl, or at least just an equal amount of effort.
i was talking to jazzy about this... about... men. all we really want is for him to acknowledge our existence. really! just say hello! just give us a hug. and then our lives are basically brightened by that simple gesture. because it lets us know that you at least think about us, or care. and that is all it takes sometimes.
i haven't found him yet. and i don't really want to. i don't know how many valentine's days i've spent alone. and i don't give a shit. for the first time, i really, truly, don't give a shit unless someone else does. and even then, who knows. i'm not desperate to find anyone. i want the one. i won't settle for anything less. but i'll give it a try, i always give love a try. but my heart's not in it anymore. my heart's just saying, "... enough. just enough." and i'm fine with that. because i'm okay with the consistent love and attention i get from my family and friends. a boy would be nice, but it isn't necessary.
anyway. i'm watching the state of the union address. i didn't start taking notes until it was an hour in. it was pretty interesting, not that i agreed with everything. or anything. but it was enough for me to pay attention.
so i need to write this paper now. i'll see you soon blogger. keep in touch. i'll try not to neglect you as much anymore. it's just hard trying to write in all three of my blogs. it just depends on my mood... and i'm not usually in the mood for you. but i will try and change that, because i'm all about the change lately. big time.
- c.
life... i don't know. men.... gone. there was a point between the last post and this one where i had my hands full of new arising potential. i was confused. for so long i didn't have anyone, and then bam. two people were standing in front of me. and guess what? i didn't take either. i'm really just taking a break from boys. i see no point. i'm done chasing, and i'm ready to just wait. because in the pursuit of love, the boy should either put more effort than the girl, or at least just an equal amount of effort.
i was talking to jazzy about this... about... men. all we really want is for him to acknowledge our existence. really! just say hello! just give us a hug. and then our lives are basically brightened by that simple gesture. because it lets us know that you at least think about us, or care. and that is all it takes sometimes.
i haven't found him yet. and i don't really want to. i don't know how many valentine's days i've spent alone. and i don't give a shit. for the first time, i really, truly, don't give a shit unless someone else does. and even then, who knows. i'm not desperate to find anyone. i want the one. i won't settle for anything less. but i'll give it a try, i always give love a try. but my heart's not in it anymore. my heart's just saying, "... enough. just enough." and i'm fine with that. because i'm okay with the consistent love and attention i get from my family and friends. a boy would be nice, but it isn't necessary.
anyway. i'm watching the state of the union address. i didn't start taking notes until it was an hour in. it was pretty interesting, not that i agreed with everything. or anything. but it was enough for me to pay attention.
so i need to write this paper now. i'll see you soon blogger. keep in touch. i'll try not to neglect you as much anymore. it's just hard trying to write in all three of my blogs. it just depends on my mood... and i'm not usually in the mood for you. but i will try and change that, because i'm all about the change lately. big time.
- c.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
love is only my imagination.
I think this was the first weekend where I had absolutely nothing to do. Work wise. It was completely invigorating. It went by too fast. I slept, a lot. and ate, a lot. and exercised, a lot. So I did those three things a lot. And that's about it. And maybe clean.
I have nothing too significant to say right now. I logged onto my myspace after maybe 4 months. And I read some of my blogs. The last thing I posted was in august. I've really changed since then. Something about me just isn't as emotionally depricating anymore. Many would find that as a good thing (which it is) but I miss the way I write when I'm unstable like that. It strange, but it's true. But I'm happy with where I am and where I stand. The only boy I really think about before I go to bed, and it's only been lately, is the person I first fell in love with. Three years ago. And if he ever read this I'd be embarrassed. But it's not like I think about him all the time to the point where I'm falling for him again. It's just sometimes when it's late and the streetlight glimmers through my window, I think of him. He's just there. He just crosses my mind back and forth. And I look at my phone, and I sigh. I just sigh so humbly. A sigh for time because it's been so long since I've heard my phone ring and saw his name flash on my screen. That nostalgic feeling just creeps through the cracks of my windows in the late hours of my thinking and conscious dreaming.
I want to tell myself that I don't have to be in love with someone. I want to believe that I can function normally... period. I'm always so starved and hungry for someone to quench my love. But it doesn't always have to be that way. And I feel like I'm at that point where I'm just keeping my heart open for someone new again. Or maybe someone old. Or just anyone! anyone. but a guy though, you know. I still like men. But... I don't know. Why do I even still think of him? Even after all this time I'm still reminded of the fact that he was the last person I could remember falling in love with. And it's sad that I haven't found someone to follow up that memory. It's just pathetic, really. In a funny not so funny, hopeless kind of way.
I have nothing too significant to say right now. I logged onto my myspace after maybe 4 months. And I read some of my blogs. The last thing I posted was in august. I've really changed since then. Something about me just isn't as emotionally depricating anymore. Many would find that as a good thing (which it is) but I miss the way I write when I'm unstable like that. It strange, but it's true. But I'm happy with where I am and where I stand. The only boy I really think about before I go to bed, and it's only been lately, is the person I first fell in love with. Three years ago. And if he ever read this I'd be embarrassed. But it's not like I think about him all the time to the point where I'm falling for him again. It's just sometimes when it's late and the streetlight glimmers through my window, I think of him. He's just there. He just crosses my mind back and forth. And I look at my phone, and I sigh. I just sigh so humbly. A sigh for time because it's been so long since I've heard my phone ring and saw his name flash on my screen. That nostalgic feeling just creeps through the cracks of my windows in the late hours of my thinking and conscious dreaming.
I want to tell myself that I don't have to be in love with someone. I want to believe that I can function normally... period. I'm always so starved and hungry for someone to quench my love. But it doesn't always have to be that way. And I feel like I'm at that point where I'm just keeping my heart open for someone new again. Or maybe someone old. Or just anyone! anyone. but a guy though, you know. I still like men. But... I don't know. Why do I even still think of him? Even after all this time I'm still reminded of the fact that he was the last person I could remember falling in love with. And it's sad that I haven't found someone to follow up that memory. It's just pathetic, really. In a funny not so funny, hopeless kind of way.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
ihop fridays.
always good for the heart. and stomach.
i love these girls. and mid afternoon breakfast.
- c.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
eyebags. the marks of my discontentment!
the only thing i am looking forward to this week is friday. it will be the perfect closure to celebrate the end of hell week. and we've hit the halfway mark. i feel like i'm running a marathon. but all of this excess consumption of caffeine is really getting me by. i wrote my sport's med essays in about 20 minutes. 20 minutes. 3 pages... in 20 minutes. talk about hand seizures.
anyway, it's wearing off. but i'm making another cup because i still have more stuff to do. the new year is bringing me so much hope. i'm definitely following my new year's resolution so far HARDCORE. i lost 3 pounds over the past 4 days. shiiiii. it's because of my diet. all of i've been eating are fruits (i almost typed "froots" lol) scrumptious chicken salads, bread in the morning, water, and whatever my parents bring home to eat in small proportions. but i drink so much water a day now that i feel full so fast. i have a routine now when i get home. i'm usually full from my lunch so i start my hw right away. math first, always. then i do 50 leg ups and 40 suitcase crunches. then eat! then more work. then listen to music and daze off for a bit. then 20 leg ups and 15 reps of this other exercise I found in a magazine that involves thrusting your hips while you're on the floor. it looks kind of ridiculous so i make sure i lock the door lol.
but i feel so. GOOD. i'm not procrastinating anymore, i write everything on my calendar and constantly check it so i don't forget any important assignments or dates about scholarship apps, and i always have new music on my ipod now, which helps ease everything.
i hope i don't lose my drive. i just need to keep myself motivated and say, "i can do this. i can do this" over and over again. i feel healthy for once, minus the lack of sleep. but i'll recover over the weekend.
anyway. government homework's staring at me. i'll probably post again on friday with pictures of my favorite human beings enjoying pancakes, french toast, omelettes and.... life.
- c.
anyway, it's wearing off. but i'm making another cup because i still have more stuff to do. the new year is bringing me so much hope. i'm definitely following my new year's resolution so far HARDCORE. i lost 3 pounds over the past 4 days. shiiiii. it's because of my diet. all of i've been eating are fruits (i almost typed "froots" lol) scrumptious chicken salads, bread in the morning, water, and whatever my parents bring home to eat in small proportions. but i drink so much water a day now that i feel full so fast. i have a routine now when i get home. i'm usually full from my lunch so i start my hw right away. math first, always. then i do 50 leg ups and 40 suitcase crunches. then eat! then more work. then listen to music and daze off for a bit. then 20 leg ups and 15 reps of this other exercise I found in a magazine that involves thrusting your hips while you're on the floor. it looks kind of ridiculous so i make sure i lock the door lol.
but i feel so. GOOD. i'm not procrastinating anymore, i write everything on my calendar and constantly check it so i don't forget any important assignments or dates about scholarship apps, and i always have new music on my ipod now, which helps ease everything.
i hope i don't lose my drive. i just need to keep myself motivated and say, "i can do this. i can do this" over and over again. i feel healthy for once, minus the lack of sleep. but i'll recover over the weekend.
anyway. government homework's staring at me. i'll probably post again on friday with pictures of my favorite human beings enjoying pancakes, french toast, omelettes and.... life.
- c.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
palindromes.
busy busy day. i finally turned in my application to unlv. but i still need to send in my transcripts and SAT scores. i feel like i should apply to another out of state university but... i feel pretty secure staying here. i hope i get the most out of my college experience. i hope i learn how to write more eloquently and read more comprehensively. i hope i stick to one major and just go with it. i hope i have sleepless nights and study groups. i hope i meet people that will bring out the best in me and meet life friends. but i hope i don't screw this up, either. high school was important, but there were times where if you failed a test or slacked off a little bit, it didn't hurt you too much. but in college, if you screw up one test, you're done. it's over. there goes ($ridiculous amount of money here) wasted. in the garbage. your future. tanked.
but i have to stay positive. i'm so so very ready to move on with the next chapter in my life. i'd really like to see what's out there. and after college, i'd like to travel and take photographs. write a ton and make enough money to support myself. i plan on going into nursing and then keep going to college for something more.
but yes. today has been busy. i'm not hyped for monday, at ALL. i really dislike school at the moment. i don't want weekends to ever end. semester exams are next week, too. i'm not stressed yet, but it's coming. oh, it's coming.
but i have to stay positive. i'm so so very ready to move on with the next chapter in my life. i'd really like to see what's out there. and after college, i'd like to travel and take photographs. write a ton and make enough money to support myself. i plan on going into nursing and then keep going to college for something more.
but yes. today has been busy. i'm not hyped for monday, at ALL. i really dislike school at the moment. i don't want weekends to ever end. semester exams are next week, too. i'm not stressed yet, but it's coming. oh, it's coming.
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