a wee restless.

it's late. i'm hungry. i'm tired. and i miss you. i've been trying really hard to fall asleep for the last hour or so but it's not working. i even tried to count sheep but then i just thought about how much i hated the taste of lamb. i wanted to read but i don't think i'll be able to comprehend a lot of the words with almost a third of my brain remaining completely unfocused and the other two thirds set on you. it would be too difficult to attempt. so i turn to blogging, like always. whenever i'm in a sense of need, or in a sense of restlessness or i just need something to squeeze out all of the worry in me, i will do this. i usually write in my journal but my laptop was closer.

i'm really in disbelief that i have you in my life. it's an impossible concept for me to grasp. only because i've pictured myself dying without knowing what it means to love someone when you're not 15. it feels really good to tell you that i love you whenever i feel like it can't be contained. it makes me happy to know that i'm filling a space in someone's heart. it's very comfy. whenever i'm not talking to you, i'm always finding myself thinking about you. or what you said. or what i would do to you if you were here. i think about the time i get to pick you up from the airport and jump-hug you into your arms. i think about sharing popcorn with you in a movie theatre or asking you to tie my shoe laces because i can't bend down. i think about taking so many macbook pictures with you that it over capacitates a facebook album. i think about taking black and white photos in my kitchen, with me on the counter, and you feeding me cereal. i think about waking up next to you. i think about doing all of the cliche things people are supposed to do when they're in love. i used to pray to God, asking Him to give me a boy that never wants to hurt me. and even though he's given you to me, he didn't give you to me completely. it's really not fair. i know that i can't see you, or be with you, but these thoughts of you, or talking to you endlessly, or dreaming of your presence is getting me through all of this pain. because even though the reality of it all is unbearable to think about, let alone feel... it doesn't feel like you're gone when you're already with me in all of these ways.

all i need to know is that you love me...
and when that stops becoming true.... i won't know what i'll be able to do to keep reality from slipping in.

my sister's funny.

my electric feel is your happy meal.

i'm running out of things to do with my hands.
(that's what she said)

today was adequate. i ate. i cried. i ate again. i ate a muffin. i listened to sad songs with the door closed. i folded laundry. i thought about you. i wrote a blog about you. but then deleted it. i read extremely loud & incredibly close. i edit pictures of my family. i drank tea. i wondered if north carolina and georgia were close to each other. i read my bible. i thought about love. i thought about sacrifice. i ate another muffin D: i hoped for rain, but didn't get any. i thought about eating a third muffin but then i remembered i ate the last one :/ i listened to a copious amount of mgmt on tumblr. i thought of you.... and thought of you... and then! i played with my puppies. and then i thought of you some more. and now. i just want to talk to you for the remainder of my night, if that's not so much to ask.

ay okay.

mind over heart.

i don't really know how i feel about today. i thought it was going to rain and i was planning on sitting outside soaking in the after smell and reading extremely loud & incredibly close. but one of these did not happen. i ate today, which is good. but also bad. that kind of means i might be getting back into the habit of eating away my emotions, unconsciously. to be honest with you, i would rather starve and stay happy versus eat and be discontent with everything.

i've been praying more than usual. i've been reading more than usual. i've been thinking more than the average human being should think. i've been listening to sad music with the door closed. i've been quiet around my family. and the more i think about it, i don't think i've smiled today. i don't know what to feel. i forgot that love can have it's side effects. i risk a lot of things to be able to love someone. i just always thought you should take risks in your life because you're going to regret not taking them in the long run. this happens far too much in my life. i would do anything and sacrifice all that i have for someone that i'm in love with. but for the first time, i feel so young. my life hasn't even started yet. and what if i do meet a boy in college that plays the violin and listens to death cab and wears toms shoes and feeds me all the time? and what if i don't? what's to say i'll expect anything in college other than trying to start my life? i don't like this feeling of not being able to know what to do. and i don't like that i can't love this person without crying inside. i'm trying not to think too far into it because i know i wouldn't be able to control myself.

i knew what i was getting into the very second i responded to his greeting. i knew it. at that moment, i surrendered to whatever fate was trying to telling me. but now, it shut up, and i'm left just listening to myself. and that scares me. my heart's telling me to keep going... it's telling me i'm ready. i'm ready to love someone and i'm ready to accept that unconditional love in return. it's saying, "just try it. just see how it goes. i'll be fine." but my brain's completely against it. it keeps yelling at my heart and telling it, "are you crazy? do you want to be hurt? do you want to spend another two years getting over someone that never loved you?" it's just so frustrating. i'm baffled. i'm without words. i want to be selfless. i want you to be happy. i don't want to think about the nights i'll spend crying myself to sleep. or all of the blogs that will be entitled with sad feelings of remorse and hopelessness. i can't revert back to those days. but i remember i said that i would rather feel all of that pain then feel like i never loved. or i never tried.

my stomach hurts at the thought of not having you to love in my life.
but what else is left?

i love ordinary things.

i'm craving a blizzard right now. i've seen far too many dairy queen commercials today. i'm trying to make this pointing thing my trademark. and this hat. anyway. i took the most glorious shower today. i really was in there for a good 20 minutes. i kept thinking about what's been happening to me lately. i couldn't really believe myself. i never thought i'd be able to feel these things again. it's like i've been dead for the last three years of my life and now that you've come into my life i feel alive. as if everything i used to believe in about fate and love are starting to jump out of it's pages. it's a good feeling of disbelief. i woke up, and didn't want to, really. i enjoyed sleeping so much. it seems that i've been embracing a lot of the most ordinary happenings in my every day life. like my bed, and not wanting to get up because i felt like sleeping was my boyfriend and i didn't want to leave him. or staying in my shower for prolonged periods of time and letting the steam fog up the mirrors as i wasted tons of water just standing there embracing my conditioned hair. or washing my face with soap that smells so good i want to eat it. or how good it feels just being able to breathe. i think that's my favorite part. breathing.

also... i lost 7 pounds since i went to camp. i feel like that's not healthy. my mom keeps saying i look pale and that she recommends i see the sun. but really, vegas is an oven. i went out to get the mail yesterday and i literally wanted to die. i like that i'm losing weight though. i've just been ignoring my hunger lately because i've been so occupied with different things. plus. i'm reading like 4 books at the same time right now and i'm trying to keep up my stats in diner dash. and talking to you. most of my day. which really is my favorite part of the day.

so. that's my life. no one reads this, ever.
which i like. because i got up to 134 followers on tumblr and it's starting to make me apprehensive about what i'm writing. so i like this vacancy of eyes. i like writing without discretion. just my thing.

i said i was happy before. but no, this. this is sheer bliss.

morning.

don't worry. i'm awake. it's not like i only got 4 hours of sleep or anything because i was talking to you all night after a year of not hearing from you. but for the record... i didn't mind at all. these late night conversations that cover all aspect of the human emotion are what life is all about. you made me realize how happy i really am when i'm with you. and how natural i can be without you thinking i'm crazy. and also, i've always wanted to wake up to a good morning text <3

i went from having no boy.... to trying to choose between two.
life is complicated.

a new direction.

my life has changed since that last post. last week, i was in williams, arizona for this beautiful, momentous event called Young Life camp. my uncle was the area director for vegas and he's been pushing me to go ever since i was a freshman in high school. i've never been able to make it because my parents always needed me for the summer, but since i graduated and everything, my uncle felt that paying for my camp trip would be his graduation gift for me :) it was honestly, the best experience of my life. it's nearly been a week since i've left and it's still left this huge impact on the way i think, live, and feel. my heart's been turned just by being there. i've always been close to God and i've never questioned my faith. but being there made me want to be even closer. i've met some of the most amazing people there that i feel i can take with me through the rest of my life and onward. and i met a great guy too :) i did my first ho-down with the cutest alaskan boy in a rockstar outfit. i dressed as an oompa loompa with 11 other eager high school girls. i danced like a weirdo in front of a camera for poker chips. i jumped into a pool at night with 100 other people (clothes still very much in tact). i conquered so many of my fears. i went mountain biking and fell into the rocks four times. i did a ropes course in the trees that made my legs shake. i jumped off the ledge of a tree with only a harness keeping me in place. i jumped on a huge blob and was suspended 20 feet into the air. i went zip lining on a line that was nearly 2 miles long and hit the lake as if there were rocks crushing my back. i went down the most horrendous yellow slide that made me skid across the pool water, twice. i prayed under the most beautiful stars with 500 other people in silence. i had intimate cabin talks about my life with complete strangers. i was asked to tacky prom by a wonderful guy that got down on one knee <3 i survived an entire week without any form of technology. i sang and danced as loud and as spontaneously as i could every single night with an entire camp (always in the front, too, very impressive) and best of all, i was able to get closer to Jesus and spend time with my godfather whom i haven't been able to really hang out with in about 2 years.

honestly, i couldn't be any happier <3

howdy.

i have nothing interesting to say. my dad asked me if i was depressed today. i wouldn't call it that. it's been so long since i self diagnosed myself with mild depression. not even. i'm less full of life lately. netflix has quietly taken over a large section of my life. i can't even pry myself away from my laptop.

boys. let's talk about boys. i don't even know where to sort myself out on this one. my life is absent from a boy paying any attention to me, even though my relatives keep asking if i have a boyfriend with a sly look in their eyes. i'd like to think i'm attractive or at most bearable to look at, but i don't know if that's my problem. i think i just don't have enough confidence to actually retain a relationship long enough before i sense any sign of my heart potentially breaking. it's not good. i've been so hurt by so many guys, so many wrong guys, but so few right ones. a boy is the least of my worry at this point though. i just feel like it's safe to talk about it on here, rather than on tumblr or on a facebook note. feels more secure. feels more open.

i'm scared for college. even though i'm staying here, i still have a queasiness in me that won't settle. my life's about to start in a manner of months and i can't get a grip on it. i can't imagine myself being an adult. it's weird. i can't imagine drinking coffee every morning. or having a job. or paying my own bills. maybe i really am just that unaware of the inevitable. i've been reading the time traveler's wife. it's incredible. beyond incredible. i have 40 more pages left and for some reason... i just don't want to finish it. i don't want it to end. i sense what's about to come and i know it's coming, but i don't want to believe it is. i don't want to start bawling. really. i'm not in the mood to cry. not right now.

anyway. my friends are leaving for college, one by one. i still can't believe some of them are already gone. maybe that's why i'm feeling so melancholy or an inch from stoicism. nothing has hit me yet, because i don't want it to.