"i feel infinite."

i didn't have too much to say in december. just a lot of quiet times that i wanted to keep to myself. i finished perks of being a wallflower. i highly highly recommend reading it. it's one of those coming of age novels that makes you laugh and can relate to. it's about highschool and growing up. falling in love and having your heartbroken. trying to find yourself after you've been lost. and remembering the good times when things are bad.

i wish i could write some kind of closure post for the ending of 2009 for an embraced welcoming of the new year. it's going to be a big one, i assure you. i've changed somehow, something about me is different. it isn't necessarily a bad different, just different. i feel like the things i have to say aren't as full proof or riveting enough for people to read about and relate to. my life's been pretty quiet the past week. quiet in the way that a photograph is quiet, physically, but there's still some meaning that speaks to you, loud and clear. i've been in some kind of trance. reality just seems so real now. this year's just been so fast because it was so busy. always something to do, always something to look forward to. the thing is, i can't complain about anything. nothing in my life is bad but there's nothing too extraordinary. and i'll settle for that. i'll settle for the simple fact that i'm content and i'm alive, and my heart's just lingering on the figment imagination of love.

and speaking of love, this was not my year for love. nope, not at all. the closest i came to falling in love with someone was back in April. and even then i could not convince myself that something like that was even real. the things i think are real end up fading away. but really. who knows. college life might bring me a decent man that fits all the criteria i'm looking for, but who's to say a boyfriend is essential to my well-being? i don't know what i want when it comes to that. especially lately. i've been really questioning what it is i'm looking for, personality wise, intellectually... do you realize i go after the same guys? over and over again. and the cycle just repeats! every time. "hello, cute/funny/indie boy, you like so and so band? me too! you play an instrument? i'm in love with you. you don't love me? .... that's okay. we can still be friends" then he doesn't really find anything exciting about me anymore and stops talking to me for weeks. then boom, instant heartbreak. more blogs. more depressing music. and then i move on. i always move on. then another one comes along that reminds me of the last. and i give it a try.

and then the cycle repeats.

but at this point, if he's eager and willing i'll take him. but i can't lie to myself. i want more. i'm hoping that maybe in the next year, i'll be able to get my life straight. i'll be able to figure out what i want to do, what i want to be, what i love and what i hate. find the people that i can't ever live without and start finding all of the substance and beauties that composes the meaning of life. i'm a lover of change.

all in all, i'm just ready for my new adventure.

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

- maya angelou.

cold feet and congestion.

i am sick, but a better sick than yesterday. it's freezing here in my house and i just cleaned my room. i ate turkey bacon for breakfast... i wasn't pleased. life's been completely more than okay, even with this stuffy lung i have. my mom was sick yesterday, as was i, but i had to take care of her, which i didn't mind. as of now, i'm trying to pass time. i'm contemplating a lot on my dream from last night. it was the most vivid reenactment of what could happen today. i was confused when i woke up. i thought it was real and thought everything was about to change.

and it's still a possibility. i'm smiling today, sort of. sadies is soon, in a few short hours actually. and i couldn't be more thrilled. taking a deep breath of relief. to whatever happens next? oh, and happy december!

- c.