last night.

i hugged you for what seemed like hours. i got out of your car, paced myself to the other side, and put my arms around you. you swayed me back and forth at first, i closed my eyes for a brief second, and instead of parting ways, i held on. i felt you hesitate for a release, but i didn't let go. and you just held onto me tighter. and i moved in closer. and you did the same thing. you said, "thank you." and in my mind, i said to myself, "for what?"

and we stood there. just holding each other. my face buried into your jacket, your head resting on mine. i breathed in so deeply, trying to get my thoughts together, trying to sample as much of your scent to take home with me, letting the moment sink in. i wanted so badly to ask you, ".... when are you going to be ready to be with me?"

but instead, i let go.

we slowly unlocked our embrace. i felt the feelings of 4 AM exert from our bodies, the tiredness in our eyes from a night of driving, and security guards, and endless pancakes. and the fear that my dad would come out of the house at any minute, and see us standing in the middle of the street, touching. when we separated, the last thing you held onto was my arm. and you looked at me with a look i couldn't decipher. a smile, a sense of curiosity of why i wanted to hug you for so long, a face that might have read, "..... don't go." but i looked away, before my hopes could get any higher. because even though i want to stay with you, and just hug you, and be with you until the sun rises, it still hurts. the pain is still present because you're still not mine, when you should be.

i said goodnight, and walked to my door, wishing that things were different.

i feel alone.

i feel captivated, with no one to call to keep me company. everyone is either busy, or drifted away from me, or lives miles and miles from where they should be, which is here. to ease all of the loneliness that initiates every thought in my mind. i can't be alone with these thoughts anymore. i cry too much. and i scribble on notebooks in dire hope that those thoughts will go away, and permanently stay on the pages enclosed with everything that brings pain in my heart. but sometimes, it only makes the feeling more prevalent. more present. and more real.

i need to get out of my house, pronto.

day 60.

my outfit today made me extremely happy. i got to wear my tights again and pulled out my scarves that have been so quietly and humbly stowed away for two whole seasons.

blake demanded i went to lunch with him today. he wanted to take me away from jeremy. i was unhappy at first, but i realized that i needed to do it. i needed distance. i needed to separate myself from him. because all i do, is get myself hurt by waiting for him to realize that we should be together. it was really hard for me to do, but... i did it. we had a nice talk while walking to the SU. he did the nicest thing for me. i told him i didn't know if i'd be able to find someone else. the conversation went a little like this:

Blake: Cynthia. Don't worry. You're a good looking girl. You have a great personality. You're one of the nicest people I know. You'll be fine.
Me: I don't know.
Blake: (stops a guy walking towards us) hey, excuse me. Do you see this girl over here? Don't you think she's beautiful?
Me: (stands there smiling, awkwardly)
Stranger: ... yes. definitely. she cute.
Blake: (looks at me) ... See.

Even though I think that guy might've been a little gay, no one has ever done this for me. It was so sweet of him to do. It gave me a lot more confidence. Which I was in dire need of. He paid for my food, and lent me the support I needed to just.... have the strength to move on. And to take control of my life and the relationships I partake in. He's a great friend. They all are.

day 59.

again. embracing the cold. my hoodie collection is lacking. this is one of two. unacceptable! even though i look like a boy when i wear hoodies, that's quite alright because they're comfy and get the job done.

saw this tree while I was walking towards the music buildings. it kind of amazes me how i've always walked through here, every single day, and never noticed these eyes that were carved into it. it made me think about the willow tree in pocahantas. kind of cool, but also eerie at the same time? i wonder how many wonderfully curious things i just walk by every day.

day 58.

the purpleness of my shirt was debatable. but i felt like i had the right intentions of trying to advocate anti-bullying. i had a wonderful day. it rained quite hard. despite difficulty driving, i love the rain. i love the rain so much. my sweater was unfortunately not thick enough, but i still appreciated it's presence. i picked up jeremy from his house this morning, practiced a little bit, and spent my wednesday.... just admiring the weather i think. wednesdays are my long days at school. i didn't bring my make up with me so my troubling insecurities had me going to the bathroom several times to check my face and the condition of my hair. but i didn't look... completely horrible by the end of the day.

but i took so many pictures! i didn't even realize.

david, always camera ready.

tony & courtney, locking arms as they walked through the dreaded rain. i was being kind of creepy, but they were so cute.

dominique, before cello ensemble.

Rob. His cello always turns out pretty when I take pictures of him playing it.


coffee bean is now my sanctuary. their teas are delightful. my goal is to try all of their tea flavors by the end of my college career. actually, considering how often i go there, i'll probably be able to get through it by the end of this semester. jasmine dragon, check.


i really love this cold weather. more than you could possibly know. it also tends to bring out my constant need to always want to cuddle. must find a nice willing boy to do this with.

where I left off.

10/19/10.
day 57.

I discontinued my 365 on tumblr less than a week ago. I just couldn't seem to write anymore, knowing that the boy I think about day in and day out had access to my words. I was hiding my heart and holding back everything I wanted to say. So I just couldn't bare lying to myself anymore. But I've decided to keep going. There's a three day gap where I didn't take a picture. It almost seems like those days never existed. I have a good feeling I'll keep up on here though. At least... I hope. I was in the FDH building on this day to have my conference with my english teacher. I ran into Jim while I was walking up the stairs, such a pleasant surprise. It's always nice seeing people that I love who I never get to see anymore. I was ridiculously early, so I wasted a lot of time in the bathroom upstairs, completely amazed by how clean and fresh smelling it was, and how it was decorated with all of these pictures of shakespeare and modern and victorian authors. Who knew a public bathroom could be so appealing?

high hopes october.

i can't wait for autumn to start taking it's form here. needless to say, my fall attire is lacking. why is it that i am always so unprepared for every season coming? i always have to buy new clothes to correlate with the weather. but what happened to last year's clothes? life's most unexplainable quarrels.

i am falling for you more and more everyday. which means that i will in turn, get myself hurt more and more until you are actually mine to keep. seeing you tonight, playing with your little sister, made me see you in such a different light. there's just something about a guy getting along with children that is so uncontrollably attractive and innocent. i'm falling for you. i need to stop denying that i am or convincing myself that i'm stopping anytime soon. i know you like me. i know you see me differently. but it's been nearly two months, and we're still in the same position. i don't know what else to do.