this is hard.

I don't care how this comes out sounding. I'm just going to say this, out loud, into the open, without worrying about anyone reading this. As if this was my own diary of thoughts. I just need to let this out.

I can't do this. I can't just be your friend. I can't just sit here and watch you try to resist liking me. I hate this so much. I hate that I like you, and you like me, and yet we still can't be together because you're not ready for a relationship. I hate this. I hate this. I hate that I can't be with you. I hate that you can't hold me. Or text me in the middle of the night telling me all of the weird things that go through your head. I miss you. I miss you already. This is going to be so difficult, trying to hold back everything that's already been out in the open.

I just hate my heart for letting itself start to just fall for you, day by day, minute by minute. Why did you have to come into my life? Why couldn't I just find someone, and be close to someone, and fall for someone, that wants to be with me? Why do you have to make this so hard? I feel so alone. I feel so very alone. I don't know why I said that we should just try to be friends....

I'm not going to be happy. I have a feeling I'm going to be even more miserable than I was before.
I hate the outcomes of life. I hate boys. I hate this situation we're in. I hate that I can't fucking love you.

last night's musings.

so, I realized that I never really talk about my days in detail on here anymore. I write things solely for the need to express myself and the revelations that I hope will inspire the eyes that read it. But right now, I feel the need to just tell you what happened to me yesterday, before all of these feelings start to wear off from the night.

I can’t really remember what happened to me at school. I was really exhausted and tried to keep myself from collapsing. I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened the night before. I was a mess. I was cold, and I was broken, and I had an essay to write that prolonged until the next morning. I couldn’t concentrate on anything yesterday. Every time I thought about what I saw, I grew silent, and felt the cracks in my heart slowly start to reopen. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what my heart wanted. So I just got through the day, kind of loopy, trying to avoid confronting the feelings trying to barge out and cause even more worry than I needed.

After my last class, I sat down in the hallway, leaned against the wall, and fell asleep on Jeremy’s shoulder, almost instantaneously. After 30 minutes of eye resting and replaying Creature Fear by Bon Iver inside of my head to sing me to sleep, I woke up in a haze, and saw Eddie and David sitting across from me. I felt bad that Jeremy couldn’t move that whole time because my head was depending on his jacket to keep me from having a concussion. But… I was glad he let me take a nap on him.

We went out to eat afterwards to celebrate Eddie’s belated birthday dinner, just us four. We were there for awhile, eating, and talking, and eating, and talking. Hours kept passing us by that didn’t seem so long at all. When we left, we huddled in the parking lot wondering what places were open at 11pm because none of us had any intention of wanting to go home yet. We decided to stay in Jeremy’s car, because it was cold outside, and all we wanted to do was just hang out and keep talking. After a few minutes, I found myself squished between three men in the backseat, with the boy I liked’s arms around me, and listening to the other two having moments of brotherly love that was tinkering on the line of being a little homo. (note, one is gay, and the other is not.) Even though my parents were gone for the weekend, and my aunt was watching my sisters, I still just felt so guilty and kept checking my phone repeatedly for the time. I kept thinking about how late it was, and how I’m supposed to be home, and how I just wanted so badly to stay sitting there, with my face buried in your chest, and letting the world be. But I couldn’t. After awhile… I tried to forget about it. I tried to realize that sometimes I had to break the rules sometimes and do things for myself. I’ve always wanted to stay out past midnight with people I can just trust and have fun with. I didn’t want to go home…. I just wanted to be with you in the close kind of way we were, where I could feel your scruffy face in my hair, and feel your chest move up and down as you breathed. But I didn’t know what we were doing. A part of me didn’t care, because I was finally with you, but the other half kept telling me to let go from your embrace. I didn’t want this moment to hit me when I’m alone again, wondering where you are, wondering why you’re not mine. But I was still, and quiet, and I closed my eyes, letting the moment we had there just happen because…. I didn’t know when it would again.

It started to get a little too comfortable in that car towards the end though. I don’t know how it happened, but Eddie started to massage the back of my right shoulder because I was so tense, and I let out a few… um, welps? I don’t even know lol. it just felt really really good and my reflexes were just being trigged by the spots he was getting at and I had no control of where my body was going or the noises that were coming out of my mouth. I even had to hold onto something to keep my balance because it was so… raucous. I just, it was a massage, okay! And then David started to give Eddie the same kind of massage and Eddie basically had the same reaction, except he was laughing. Then David switched with Eddie and he gave me a back massage and that was equally just as satisfying. And poor Jeremy, just kind of sitting there…. with my body turned towards him, and my head sometimes lowered close to his lap. It probably looked and sounded really bad, but it was all just so innocent, okay. I mean, if someone were to pass by and hear us, or see me with my messy, tosseled hair and flushed out cheeks coming out of the car saying, “…. God, that felt good” with three men close behind me, then yeah. I guess it would look a little questionable.

But I just had a really good night. Something I haven’t had in a long long time.

last night.

i hugged you for what seemed like hours. i got out of your car, paced myself to the other side, and put my arms around you. you swayed me back and forth at first, i closed my eyes for a brief second, and instead of parting ways, i held on. i felt you hesitate for a release, but i didn't let go. and you just held onto me tighter. and i moved in closer. and you did the same thing. you said, "thank you." and in my mind, i said to myself, "for what?"

and we stood there. just holding each other. my face buried into your jacket, your head resting on mine. i breathed in so deeply, trying to get my thoughts together, trying to sample as much of your scent to take home with me, letting the moment sink in. i wanted so badly to ask you, ".... when are you going to be ready to be with me?"

but instead, i let go.

we slowly unlocked our embrace. i felt the feelings of 4 AM exert from our bodies, the tiredness in our eyes from a night of driving, and security guards, and endless pancakes. and the fear that my dad would come out of the house at any minute, and see us standing in the middle of the street, touching. when we separated, the last thing you held onto was my arm. and you looked at me with a look i couldn't decipher. a smile, a sense of curiosity of why i wanted to hug you for so long, a face that might have read, "..... don't go." but i looked away, before my hopes could get any higher. because even though i want to stay with you, and just hug you, and be with you until the sun rises, it still hurts. the pain is still present because you're still not mine, when you should be.

i said goodnight, and walked to my door, wishing that things were different.

i feel alone.

i feel captivated, with no one to call to keep me company. everyone is either busy, or drifted away from me, or lives miles and miles from where they should be, which is here. to ease all of the loneliness that initiates every thought in my mind. i can't be alone with these thoughts anymore. i cry too much. and i scribble on notebooks in dire hope that those thoughts will go away, and permanently stay on the pages enclosed with everything that brings pain in my heart. but sometimes, it only makes the feeling more prevalent. more present. and more real.

i need to get out of my house, pronto.

day 60.

my outfit today made me extremely happy. i got to wear my tights again and pulled out my scarves that have been so quietly and humbly stowed away for two whole seasons.

blake demanded i went to lunch with him today. he wanted to take me away from jeremy. i was unhappy at first, but i realized that i needed to do it. i needed distance. i needed to separate myself from him. because all i do, is get myself hurt by waiting for him to realize that we should be together. it was really hard for me to do, but... i did it. we had a nice talk while walking to the SU. he did the nicest thing for me. i told him i didn't know if i'd be able to find someone else. the conversation went a little like this:

Blake: Cynthia. Don't worry. You're a good looking girl. You have a great personality. You're one of the nicest people I know. You'll be fine.
Me: I don't know.
Blake: (stops a guy walking towards us) hey, excuse me. Do you see this girl over here? Don't you think she's beautiful?
Me: (stands there smiling, awkwardly)
Stranger: ... yes. definitely. she cute.
Blake: (looks at me) ... See.

Even though I think that guy might've been a little gay, no one has ever done this for me. It was so sweet of him to do. It gave me a lot more confidence. Which I was in dire need of. He paid for my food, and lent me the support I needed to just.... have the strength to move on. And to take control of my life and the relationships I partake in. He's a great friend. They all are.

day 59.

again. embracing the cold. my hoodie collection is lacking. this is one of two. unacceptable! even though i look like a boy when i wear hoodies, that's quite alright because they're comfy and get the job done.

saw this tree while I was walking towards the music buildings. it kind of amazes me how i've always walked through here, every single day, and never noticed these eyes that were carved into it. it made me think about the willow tree in pocahantas. kind of cool, but also eerie at the same time? i wonder how many wonderfully curious things i just walk by every day.

day 58.

the purpleness of my shirt was debatable. but i felt like i had the right intentions of trying to advocate anti-bullying. i had a wonderful day. it rained quite hard. despite difficulty driving, i love the rain. i love the rain so much. my sweater was unfortunately not thick enough, but i still appreciated it's presence. i picked up jeremy from his house this morning, practiced a little bit, and spent my wednesday.... just admiring the weather i think. wednesdays are my long days at school. i didn't bring my make up with me so my troubling insecurities had me going to the bathroom several times to check my face and the condition of my hair. but i didn't look... completely horrible by the end of the day.

but i took so many pictures! i didn't even realize.

david, always camera ready.

tony & courtney, locking arms as they walked through the dreaded rain. i was being kind of creepy, but they were so cute.

dominique, before cello ensemble.

Rob. His cello always turns out pretty when I take pictures of him playing it.


coffee bean is now my sanctuary. their teas are delightful. my goal is to try all of their tea flavors by the end of my college career. actually, considering how often i go there, i'll probably be able to get through it by the end of this semester. jasmine dragon, check.


i really love this cold weather. more than you could possibly know. it also tends to bring out my constant need to always want to cuddle. must find a nice willing boy to do this with.

where I left off.

10/19/10.
day 57.

I discontinued my 365 on tumblr less than a week ago. I just couldn't seem to write anymore, knowing that the boy I think about day in and day out had access to my words. I was hiding my heart and holding back everything I wanted to say. So I just couldn't bare lying to myself anymore. But I've decided to keep going. There's a three day gap where I didn't take a picture. It almost seems like those days never existed. I have a good feeling I'll keep up on here though. At least... I hope. I was in the FDH building on this day to have my conference with my english teacher. I ran into Jim while I was walking up the stairs, such a pleasant surprise. It's always nice seeing people that I love who I never get to see anymore. I was ridiculously early, so I wasted a lot of time in the bathroom upstairs, completely amazed by how clean and fresh smelling it was, and how it was decorated with all of these pictures of shakespeare and modern and victorian authors. Who knew a public bathroom could be so appealing?

high hopes october.

i can't wait for autumn to start taking it's form here. needless to say, my fall attire is lacking. why is it that i am always so unprepared for every season coming? i always have to buy new clothes to correlate with the weather. but what happened to last year's clothes? life's most unexplainable quarrels.

i am falling for you more and more everyday. which means that i will in turn, get myself hurt more and more until you are actually mine to keep. seeing you tonight, playing with your little sister, made me see you in such a different light. there's just something about a guy getting along with children that is so uncontrollably attractive and innocent. i'm falling for you. i need to stop denying that i am or convincing myself that i'm stopping anytime soon. i know you like me. i know you see me differently. but it's been nearly two months, and we're still in the same position. i don't know what else to do.

tired. i'm so tired.

i don't care anymore. i really don't. i'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight because i'm so sick of you doing this to me. i'm so tired of you under appreciating me. i hope you have tons of fun with your friends tomorrow, i really do. because you spending time with me just isn't enough for you.

i'm tired of this. i'm tired of wanting to be with you. i'm sick of you sending me these mixed signals. i'm tired of waiting for you to figure things out. it's either you like me, or you don't. you either want to be with me, or you just want to be friends. stop treating me like i can be something more. i don't want anymore in betweens.

it just isn't fair. i want to be with someone that wants to be with me. someone that's proud of me. someone that thinks i'm worth talking about. someone that will fight for me.

i don't understand. i just need to let you go. i keep telling myself that over and over again but i never end up doing it. i see you too often. i'm with you all the time. how is there any room for me to let you go?

words of advice: do not stick around and wait for someone that is unsure of how they feel for you. they will never be sure. never. until you leave and try to find someone new, that's when they'll be dumbshits and realize you're gone and say, "oh..... I lost her."

this is all just too familiar.
.... I'm so fed up with you.

disappointing.

i love that when blogging about your day, every aspect of what happened is mentioned, except the part where you spend time with me. every. single. day.

.....

what am i supposed to do here?

it's late.

just when i thought i was about to let you go, you drag me back in. one of our friends told me someone talked to you about us. and i'm not entirely sure if i'm okay with your answer. you don't want a relationship right now, you want to be friends, but you're interested in seeing where it goes with us.

i know people like to "get to know" a person over time before they start dating, but... i feel like when you're spending your entire day with one person, 5 days a week, and never skipping a day without talking or texting, how much more time does someone need before they realize, "yeah. this person. this girl. she's the one." i feel like when you find someone you click with, you should just go for it. don't jump into it immediately, give it a few weeks, depending on how often you're actually with the person. with you.... i'm sure i've never left your sight since we've met nearly a month ago. we're always together. always. we talk all the time. i know that i like you. i knew the moment i met you, and talked to you for that very limited amount of time in the audition room. why don't you see that with me?

i guess i'm just being extra anal. i understand where he's coming from. i just see it so differently. maybe it's because i'm just eager and ready to have a relationship. but if you want to stay friends for now.... i'll let you do that. so long as i still get to have you in the end. take all the time you want.

actually, no. hurry up. i'm patient, but i mean, i'm not that patient.

well well well.

i always want to practice during this time of the day where people are sleeping and don't want to be disturbed by the loud vibrations of my cello. i always want what i can't have.

life is seemingly well and optimistic. everything is quite nice. my library book is way past overdue, but that's because i lost it at school. i think i'm going to practice. i really want to. i feel a surge of spontaneity tonight. i was supposed to do my readings for philosophy today but.... no.

that's what sundays are for.

where is my mind.

all i can really ever talk about is this guy. i wish i had more variety in my brain to encompass different topics of my life, but the truth of the matter is: i'm falling for him. and when that happens, my mind will be occupied of him for the remainder of all my days. it's very difficult for me to try to guess if he likes me or not. i talked to him for 7 hours straight last night. i couldn't even believe it at first. he sent me so much music. it's going to take me forever and a day to listen to all of it. but i loved it so much. i loved that we were sharing music (well... he was sharing mostly. i gave him like 3 songs next to the 200+ he was rapidly spewing at me lol) but it was just... fun. the truth is, i'd much rather talk to him in person than on online. i like him so much more. and i can talk about things more comfortably because the guy spaces out a lot i guess. when we were talking last night, he was telling me about how nice it was outside in his backyard at 1 in the morning. and he wanted me to be there with him. i told him how often i miss the stars.... and he told me he'll take me to see them soon. that's usually understood as him liking me, right? i'd like to think so, but i still have my doubts.

i just really want him to ask me out on a date or something. he's never complimented me on anything before. he's never said i was pretty or liked any of my pictures. he's never said i smelled good, or my hair is nice, or he likes anything about me. so a girl would only assume he's either a.) hiding it or b.) he isn't into me whatsoever. i have no idea. it's driving me crazy. because i always tell him i like his clothes. or his shoes. or his hair. or his smile. or how he smells. anything. i just say it, because i want him to know.

i just feel like i'm ready to have a boyfriend. i haven't had one in so long. i've never been romantically (and when i say romantically i mean physically) involved with a guy since my freshman year in high school. in seems really strange to think about that because i'm always going after someone. but someone usually out of my league. i seem to be picky, too. i don't just go out with any guy that's giving me attention. i have a type, you know. and this boy.... he is everything. i seem to just have so much faith that we're supposed to be together. i have never had so much in common with someone in my entire life. i picture this ideal guy in my head.... what he looks like, what he acts like, what he cares about... and it's him. almost exactly. the only problem though is just that he's not taking more initiative. he needs to act like he likes me more if he does. i just want him to acknowledge that i exist to him when i'm not with him or talking to him. write about me. talk about me. type my name on the numerous social networking sites you have! something. anything. tell me i look nice one day... or everyday. because seriously, i'm waking up 2 hours early to dress cutely for you! or tell me that i'm funny? or i make you laugh. or i make you happy. why are you such a boy? you can't possibly be the clueless. you can't. NO guy is this oblivious. everyday, i'm trying so hard to contain myself with you because one day, i will seriously pin you against a wall and tell you how much i like you. and i will be aggressive. and angry. and you will like it.

-sigh-
i must be more patient. and less crazy.

i wish.

i wish you knew how i was feeling.
i wish you knew how to make me happy.
i wish you could tell me i was pretty.
or i was talented.
or you like my pictures.
or you like the way i write.

i wish you knew what was important to me.
all i want is for you to care. then all things would be encompassed.

these sighs are endless.

i was really excited when you told me the picture of us was going to be your 365 picture yesterday. i waited until you got on so i could see what you would say about me.... for the first time. but you put up a different picture with your other friends instead.

expectations, please stop crushing me.

my insides are loud tonight.

why is my stomach being so aggressive? it's gross. i hope i don't have to make several trips to the bathroom while i'm sleeping tonight. that'd be so inconvenient. and not classy.


i'm usually pretty sly with taking candids of people. but i wasn't really thinking this morning and i set the camera on the window near david, and he def saw. i'm also not very good with camera placement, either, seeing that i wanted to get his face. and i didn't. crappy photo in general, but when i look at it, i remember how much i laughed when they were making fun of me for trying to take it stealthily.

i really love this photo. i don't have a very expensive camera and this shot got such great quality. i went to violin outlet today to get my bow hair redid. i saw this guy that worked there that i recognized from honor orchestra. and he recognized me too. he was probably into me. he kept giving me double takes. i mean i had a cute outfit today (black ruffle waist skirt and a striped white and navy blue tanktop tucked in) but i was sweating like balls. so, really, who knows what guys are into these days. i probably came off as being a hooker.

my friends think he's so attractive. i'd have to agree with that statement. i'm trying to be really patient with this boy. it's hard being able to see him all the time and not scream, "god dayum i lurrrrrv you!!!" but i'll wait. no biggie. but on tuesday, we're going to a concert together with the other cello boys. and he's picking me up... in his date car... that's good right?

even though i got really sucky parking this day, i was so taken aback by the view from the roof of the garage. i could see the strip and everything. i probably couldn't find parking for a reason. i wouldn't have been able to see this.

college is quite wonderful. as long as i have faith that God will take care of me no matter what happens, i'm good. i need to stay strong.


-c.

confessions.

i like you, a lot. and i feel like you like me, too. but if you really did like me.... you would do something about it. and since you aren't doing anything about it, i guess... you don't like me enough to do so.

for now.... i'm keeping these feelings tucked away. i'm not going to put myself out there anymore for you. i can't. i'm not as strong as you think. you make me happy. every time i see you smile at me or hug me, everything in the world feels okay. i like you that much. but i'm pretty sure you haven't even mentioned my name. i don't even think you want anyone to know that you've been spending so much time with me. i think it makes you uncomfortable when people ask if we're dating.

or maybe you do like me and you're just a guy and don't want to show it.
i have no idea.

but for now....
i need to keep my heart safe.

ahem.

- good hair.
- good shoes.
- good taste in music.
- easy on the eyes.
- nice eyes, in general.
- plays cello.
- loves jesus.
- blogs.
- tweets.
- shares his food.
- compatible zodiac sign.
- texts first.
- holds door open for me.
- GREAT hugger.

.....

i thought, "he either has a girlfriend. or he's gay."
but nope. you're very much available and into women.

if this isn't screaming we should be together, i don't know anything about life.
we'll see where this goes. if he doesn't like me then it's not the end of the world. or maybe. i don't know.

well hey there.

college is too much fun. so much change. so many people. so many new experiences lingering within my reach. i can't even fathom thinking about my life before i entered this place. it's almost too perfect. i only wish the campus was prettier. and the weather wasn't so unbearably scorching. but other than that, i'm finding my way. i'm meeting great people, and i love playing my cello every day. even though i basically suck as a musician. no biggie. i just need to give up my life to practicing. or, my life will be practicing.

i haven't taken as many photos as i wanted to, but i'll just share the ones that were stuck in my camera. very limited, bare with me.


haha. don't make fun of me. this the night after my first day of college. i already had to read my philosophy book and everything. it was pretty gruesome. i took a nap in this spot shortly afterwards. my sister was there for moral support.

gettin through the night.

this is jeremy. we spend too much time together i think. we're both cello performance majors and basically have the same schedule with the same break times. so i mean, considering the fact that we both never get to see any of our other non-music major friends, how can we not! but i don't mind. he makes me laugh. and ties my shoes when i'm too lazy to bend over. it's pretty apparent that i like the guy. if the cello section hasn't made that obvious enough to him i don't know what will.

candid.

when i was walking down that long flight of stairs next to ham hall, i had to tie my shoe, and saw this on the thing i put my foot on. how welcoming.

cello rep class. eddie makes me laugh. all the time. i don't even respond half the time because the things he says.... makes me speechless. "i want to throw this ice down dominique's shirt but she might have an organism."

ah, the weekend.


sometimes i'll post things on here when i don't know where else to turn. i have a very limited set of eyes reading this blog versus how many read my tumblr so it feels nice to just write without worrying about who's reading. and if anyone mentioned above does end up seeing this well.... then that's embarrassing. hope i have a good semester. september, be good to me.

-c.

shelter.

to be able to sleep at night knowing there's someone beside you,
and wake up seeing he didn't leave.

i think that's all i want.

off.

i want so many things. but i can't really distinguish which ones are right for me. i've been around. i haven't written anything decent in awhile. i don't really know what's the cause of that. i have a really bad headache and i'm avoiding looking at myself in the mirror. i just don't like how i feel. or who i am. all i want to do is just be with my friends. or talk to him. those are the only times i ever feel like i don't have to pretend to be happy. i just don't want to be alone anymore. i think too much when i'm alone.

my sister's birthday was fun. i always like seeing my family. even though my boy cousins are always poking at my fat and wanting to give me wet willies. jim and kirsten's birthday a few days ago was really fun too. i think i'll just share pictures from that night.

bon fire. and looking pretty unattractive.

third wheeling it.

howard.

kirsten.

i was playing jim's guitar and then i dropped the pick. there was no light source besides the fire so i tried to take a picture of the ground to see where it was. but i failed, obviously.



okayyyy das all. i love blogspot. i really do.

a wee restless.

it's late. i'm hungry. i'm tired. and i miss you. i've been trying really hard to fall asleep for the last hour or so but it's not working. i even tried to count sheep but then i just thought about how much i hated the taste of lamb. i wanted to read but i don't think i'll be able to comprehend a lot of the words with almost a third of my brain remaining completely unfocused and the other two thirds set on you. it would be too difficult to attempt. so i turn to blogging, like always. whenever i'm in a sense of need, or in a sense of restlessness or i just need something to squeeze out all of the worry in me, i will do this. i usually write in my journal but my laptop was closer.

i'm really in disbelief that i have you in my life. it's an impossible concept for me to grasp. only because i've pictured myself dying without knowing what it means to love someone when you're not 15. it feels really good to tell you that i love you whenever i feel like it can't be contained. it makes me happy to know that i'm filling a space in someone's heart. it's very comfy. whenever i'm not talking to you, i'm always finding myself thinking about you. or what you said. or what i would do to you if you were here. i think about the time i get to pick you up from the airport and jump-hug you into your arms. i think about sharing popcorn with you in a movie theatre or asking you to tie my shoe laces because i can't bend down. i think about taking so many macbook pictures with you that it over capacitates a facebook album. i think about taking black and white photos in my kitchen, with me on the counter, and you feeding me cereal. i think about waking up next to you. i think about doing all of the cliche things people are supposed to do when they're in love. i used to pray to God, asking Him to give me a boy that never wants to hurt me. and even though he's given you to me, he didn't give you to me completely. it's really not fair. i know that i can't see you, or be with you, but these thoughts of you, or talking to you endlessly, or dreaming of your presence is getting me through all of this pain. because even though the reality of it all is unbearable to think about, let alone feel... it doesn't feel like you're gone when you're already with me in all of these ways.

all i need to know is that you love me...
and when that stops becoming true.... i won't know what i'll be able to do to keep reality from slipping in.

my sister's funny.

my electric feel is your happy meal.

i'm running out of things to do with my hands.
(that's what she said)

today was adequate. i ate. i cried. i ate again. i ate a muffin. i listened to sad songs with the door closed. i folded laundry. i thought about you. i wrote a blog about you. but then deleted it. i read extremely loud & incredibly close. i edit pictures of my family. i drank tea. i wondered if north carolina and georgia were close to each other. i read my bible. i thought about love. i thought about sacrifice. i ate another muffin D: i hoped for rain, but didn't get any. i thought about eating a third muffin but then i remembered i ate the last one :/ i listened to a copious amount of mgmt on tumblr. i thought of you.... and thought of you... and then! i played with my puppies. and then i thought of you some more. and now. i just want to talk to you for the remainder of my night, if that's not so much to ask.

ay okay.

mind over heart.

i don't really know how i feel about today. i thought it was going to rain and i was planning on sitting outside soaking in the after smell and reading extremely loud & incredibly close. but one of these did not happen. i ate today, which is good. but also bad. that kind of means i might be getting back into the habit of eating away my emotions, unconsciously. to be honest with you, i would rather starve and stay happy versus eat and be discontent with everything.

i've been praying more than usual. i've been reading more than usual. i've been thinking more than the average human being should think. i've been listening to sad music with the door closed. i've been quiet around my family. and the more i think about it, i don't think i've smiled today. i don't know what to feel. i forgot that love can have it's side effects. i risk a lot of things to be able to love someone. i just always thought you should take risks in your life because you're going to regret not taking them in the long run. this happens far too much in my life. i would do anything and sacrifice all that i have for someone that i'm in love with. but for the first time, i feel so young. my life hasn't even started yet. and what if i do meet a boy in college that plays the violin and listens to death cab and wears toms shoes and feeds me all the time? and what if i don't? what's to say i'll expect anything in college other than trying to start my life? i don't like this feeling of not being able to know what to do. and i don't like that i can't love this person without crying inside. i'm trying not to think too far into it because i know i wouldn't be able to control myself.

i knew what i was getting into the very second i responded to his greeting. i knew it. at that moment, i surrendered to whatever fate was trying to telling me. but now, it shut up, and i'm left just listening to myself. and that scares me. my heart's telling me to keep going... it's telling me i'm ready. i'm ready to love someone and i'm ready to accept that unconditional love in return. it's saying, "just try it. just see how it goes. i'll be fine." but my brain's completely against it. it keeps yelling at my heart and telling it, "are you crazy? do you want to be hurt? do you want to spend another two years getting over someone that never loved you?" it's just so frustrating. i'm baffled. i'm without words. i want to be selfless. i want you to be happy. i don't want to think about the nights i'll spend crying myself to sleep. or all of the blogs that will be entitled with sad feelings of remorse and hopelessness. i can't revert back to those days. but i remember i said that i would rather feel all of that pain then feel like i never loved. or i never tried.

my stomach hurts at the thought of not having you to love in my life.
but what else is left?

i love ordinary things.

i'm craving a blizzard right now. i've seen far too many dairy queen commercials today. i'm trying to make this pointing thing my trademark. and this hat. anyway. i took the most glorious shower today. i really was in there for a good 20 minutes. i kept thinking about what's been happening to me lately. i couldn't really believe myself. i never thought i'd be able to feel these things again. it's like i've been dead for the last three years of my life and now that you've come into my life i feel alive. as if everything i used to believe in about fate and love are starting to jump out of it's pages. it's a good feeling of disbelief. i woke up, and didn't want to, really. i enjoyed sleeping so much. it seems that i've been embracing a lot of the most ordinary happenings in my every day life. like my bed, and not wanting to get up because i felt like sleeping was my boyfriend and i didn't want to leave him. or staying in my shower for prolonged periods of time and letting the steam fog up the mirrors as i wasted tons of water just standing there embracing my conditioned hair. or washing my face with soap that smells so good i want to eat it. or how good it feels just being able to breathe. i think that's my favorite part. breathing.

also... i lost 7 pounds since i went to camp. i feel like that's not healthy. my mom keeps saying i look pale and that she recommends i see the sun. but really, vegas is an oven. i went out to get the mail yesterday and i literally wanted to die. i like that i'm losing weight though. i've just been ignoring my hunger lately because i've been so occupied with different things. plus. i'm reading like 4 books at the same time right now and i'm trying to keep up my stats in diner dash. and talking to you. most of my day. which really is my favorite part of the day.

so. that's my life. no one reads this, ever.
which i like. because i got up to 134 followers on tumblr and it's starting to make me apprehensive about what i'm writing. so i like this vacancy of eyes. i like writing without discretion. just my thing.

i said i was happy before. but no, this. this is sheer bliss.

morning.

don't worry. i'm awake. it's not like i only got 4 hours of sleep or anything because i was talking to you all night after a year of not hearing from you. but for the record... i didn't mind at all. these late night conversations that cover all aspect of the human emotion are what life is all about. you made me realize how happy i really am when i'm with you. and how natural i can be without you thinking i'm crazy. and also, i've always wanted to wake up to a good morning text <3

i went from having no boy.... to trying to choose between two.
life is complicated.

a new direction.

my life has changed since that last post. last week, i was in williams, arizona for this beautiful, momentous event called Young Life camp. my uncle was the area director for vegas and he's been pushing me to go ever since i was a freshman in high school. i've never been able to make it because my parents always needed me for the summer, but since i graduated and everything, my uncle felt that paying for my camp trip would be his graduation gift for me :) it was honestly, the best experience of my life. it's nearly been a week since i've left and it's still left this huge impact on the way i think, live, and feel. my heart's been turned just by being there. i've always been close to God and i've never questioned my faith. but being there made me want to be even closer. i've met some of the most amazing people there that i feel i can take with me through the rest of my life and onward. and i met a great guy too :) i did my first ho-down with the cutest alaskan boy in a rockstar outfit. i dressed as an oompa loompa with 11 other eager high school girls. i danced like a weirdo in front of a camera for poker chips. i jumped into a pool at night with 100 other people (clothes still very much in tact). i conquered so many of my fears. i went mountain biking and fell into the rocks four times. i did a ropes course in the trees that made my legs shake. i jumped off the ledge of a tree with only a harness keeping me in place. i jumped on a huge blob and was suspended 20 feet into the air. i went zip lining on a line that was nearly 2 miles long and hit the lake as if there were rocks crushing my back. i went down the most horrendous yellow slide that made me skid across the pool water, twice. i prayed under the most beautiful stars with 500 other people in silence. i had intimate cabin talks about my life with complete strangers. i was asked to tacky prom by a wonderful guy that got down on one knee <3 i survived an entire week without any form of technology. i sang and danced as loud and as spontaneously as i could every single night with an entire camp (always in the front, too, very impressive) and best of all, i was able to get closer to Jesus and spend time with my godfather whom i haven't been able to really hang out with in about 2 years.

honestly, i couldn't be any happier <3

howdy.

i have nothing interesting to say. my dad asked me if i was depressed today. i wouldn't call it that. it's been so long since i self diagnosed myself with mild depression. not even. i'm less full of life lately. netflix has quietly taken over a large section of my life. i can't even pry myself away from my laptop.

boys. let's talk about boys. i don't even know where to sort myself out on this one. my life is absent from a boy paying any attention to me, even though my relatives keep asking if i have a boyfriend with a sly look in their eyes. i'd like to think i'm attractive or at most bearable to look at, but i don't know if that's my problem. i think i just don't have enough confidence to actually retain a relationship long enough before i sense any sign of my heart potentially breaking. it's not good. i've been so hurt by so many guys, so many wrong guys, but so few right ones. a boy is the least of my worry at this point though. i just feel like it's safe to talk about it on here, rather than on tumblr or on a facebook note. feels more secure. feels more open.

i'm scared for college. even though i'm staying here, i still have a queasiness in me that won't settle. my life's about to start in a manner of months and i can't get a grip on it. i can't imagine myself being an adult. it's weird. i can't imagine drinking coffee every morning. or having a job. or paying my own bills. maybe i really am just that unaware of the inevitable. i've been reading the time traveler's wife. it's incredible. beyond incredible. i have 40 more pages left and for some reason... i just don't want to finish it. i don't want it to end. i sense what's about to come and i know it's coming, but i don't want to believe it is. i don't want to start bawling. really. i'm not in the mood to cry. not right now.

anyway. my friends are leaving for college, one by one. i still can't believe some of them are already gone. maybe that's why i'm feeling so melancholy or an inch from stoicism. nothing has hit me yet, because i don't want it to.

somewhere through the pages

i got lost. i apologize for not posting regularly on here. it seems that i've been neglecting my blogging sites in general. i lost a purpose. i lost a drive. and i was so consumed with school. life was passing so quickly before me. i couldn't even think of anything too meaningful to write about because i took my perspective into a different direction. "school. school. school. being a better person. school. don't eat meat!" that's all my thought process has been this quarter. and it's been paying off.

no drama. no boys. nothing. i was absent of the essential components that provoked all of this emotional recall and creativity and meaning. but i can't revert back to this. i can't get distracted. love has done me no good all through high school. the only times i've ever found a fulfillment from falling in love was a long time ago. when the boy loved me back. but then that ended, and since then, i've just been chasing hopeless causes. i wish that i could give all my effort into finding a set of hands for my heart to reside in, but i just can't bare anymore hurt than i've experienced this year. there's this boy in my math class though that's really. really. cute. i don't think i've ever been so attracted to someone before... really. but there's always a glitch. he's got a girlfriend. go figure. why am i not surprised? anyway. that's all for my love life.... but not really.

i'm starting this new project for myself, where i write a letter almost everyday, to anyone i feel like saying something to. i started a week ago and i've been really into it. so far, i think i've written about 30 letters. it keeps my life interesting, poetic, and artistic. during spring break, i think i'm going to make another blogging site where i just post all of these anonymous letters. i'm so excited to share my heart with you.

there's also another boy in my life.... but he isn't anything new.
i guess you'll just have to read my letters to see who that is.

as for PROM. i don't even want to think about it. firstly, not getting asked. i'm sure there is no boy that likes me enough or sees me in that light to be kind enough to take me to prom. it's very sad! surely, you'd think that at least ONE person would like me enough to say, "hey. you're cool. let's go to prom!"or "you're blogs are neat, let's go to prom!" or "hey, you're a girl! and breathing! let's go to prom!" but... i really feel like all of these boys see me as a second or third choice. i am not anyone's #1. but i'm not desperate though. i don't want just any guy to ask me. i want to go with a guy that i'm comfortable with. someone that'll be so fun to dance with and party with and laugh with. so... i'm setting my expectations very very low. if anything... i'll go by myself! that'll be fine. lonely, but fine. i'll go with my friends. but still... it'd be nice to get asked :/

- c.

shear stress.

this will probably be my only february post. i'm a slacker, what's new?

but actually, i'm not slacking. i'm on overdrive. i feel like i'm climbing ladders of endless endless piles of homework. this isn't an exaggeration. i haven't had a decent night's rest in a week. this isn't healthy. my skin is falling apart. my hair, lifeless. the bags under my eyes have weights on them. my eyes grow dimmer in imagination and hope. i feel like i'm losing myself to school. that is all i ever do, next to playing my cello until my fingers go numb.

here is a list of things i must do in the next week that i can remember at the top of my head (without my brain completely exploding all over this keyboard):
- Pride and Prejudice MWSG due Monday night.
- Chamber rehearsal from 6:30-8:30 MONDAY NIGHT
- Original Sonnet due... I don't even remember.
- Precalc test MONDAY.
- Pride and Prejudice Essay due Tuesday.
- Sport's Med Project on Antioxidants due Tuesday.
- FESTIVAL for 7 HOURS on Wednesday.
- Topic proposal for research paper due... Thursday?
- Policy proposal for government due Wednesday.
- UNLV Scholarship Audition SATURDAY.
Plus constant constant practicing that entire week until that Saturday approaches.

^ How? HOW am I supposed to finish all of this homework with all of this to do?!?!?!?!
really. i will almost guarantee you i will have a mental breakdown once or twice during this week. I'm not JESUS. I'm not GOD. I'm not superhuman! A lot of these things are going to be either dropped or done halfheartedly. if I wasn't such a perfectionist when it comes to doing projects and homework, I wouldn't be so stressed right now. but it's hard to settle for just mediocrity.

i am definitely not giving up on music though. No. Way. If anything, all of my heart is going into my cello. Because I want to do music in college. I want to prove that I still have potential and even though I haven't had a teacher in two years, I still have the same drive as I did back then. It's time to think about college. I'm just really... REALLY... so done with high school. It's obnoxious.

Thankfully, I'll be gone tomorrow taking my driver's test... that I'm almost positive I'm going to fail.
But at least it's a break.

To higher hopes and more sleep.

- C.

no motivation.

NONE. i've never felt less inspired in my entire life. i cannot finish this state of the union paper. i can't. really. i'm falling asleep in my own notes. and i have english hw to finish, plus math hw? and i wasn't even there because i had to watch chinese acrobats!

whatever @ life.
no joke.

don't hate, update.

i'm sorry i haven't been consistent writing on here. every time i log onto this i read the last post i wrote and my mouth almost drops. what was i thinking? i'm constantly moving, changing, and growing. and i've grown out of my nostalgic feelings. that phase is long gone. i'm more worried about my future now. which is scarier. i wish i could blog on a daily basis, but i've lost my drive. and i hate my computer.

life... i don't know. men.... gone. there was a point between the last post and this one where i had my hands full of new arising potential. i was confused. for so long i didn't have anyone, and then bam. two people were standing in front of me. and guess what? i didn't take either. i'm really just taking a break from boys. i see no point. i'm done chasing, and i'm ready to just wait. because in the pursuit of love, the boy should either put more effort than the girl, or at least just an equal amount of effort.

i was talking to jazzy about this... about... men. all we really want is for him to acknowledge our existence. really! just say hello! just give us a hug. and then our lives are basically brightened by that simple gesture. because it lets us know that you at least think about us, or care. and that is all it takes sometimes.

i haven't found him yet. and i don't really want to. i don't know how many valentine's days i've spent alone. and i don't give a shit. for the first time, i really, truly, don't give a shit unless someone else does. and even then, who knows. i'm not desperate to find anyone. i want the one. i won't settle for anything less. but i'll give it a try, i always give love a try. but my heart's not in it anymore. my heart's just saying, "... enough. just enough." and i'm fine with that. because i'm okay with the consistent love and attention i get from my family and friends. a boy would be nice, but it isn't necessary.

anyway. i'm watching the state of the union address. i didn't start taking notes until it was an hour in. it was pretty interesting, not that i agreed with everything. or anything. but it was enough for me to pay attention.

so i need to write this paper now. i'll see you soon blogger. keep in touch. i'll try not to neglect you as much anymore. it's just hard trying to write in all three of my blogs. it just depends on my mood... and i'm not usually in the mood for you. but i will try and change that, because i'm all about the change lately. big time.

- c.

love is only my imagination.

I think this was the first weekend where I had absolutely nothing to do. Work wise. It was completely invigorating. It went by too fast. I slept, a lot. and ate, a lot. and exercised, a lot. So I did those three things a lot. And that's about it. And maybe clean.

I have nothing too significant to say right now. I logged onto my myspace after maybe 4 months. And I read some of my blogs. The last thing I posted was in august. I've really changed since then. Something about me just isn't as emotionally depricating anymore. Many would find that as a good thing (which it is) but I miss the way I write when I'm unstable like that. It strange, but it's true. But I'm happy with where I am and where I stand. The only boy I really think about before I go to bed, and it's only been lately, is the person I first fell in love with. Three years ago. And if he ever read this I'd be embarrassed. But it's not like I think about him all the time to the point where I'm falling for him again. It's just sometimes when it's late and the streetlight glimmers through my window, I think of him. He's just there. He just crosses my mind back and forth. And I look at my phone, and I sigh. I just sigh so humbly. A sigh for time because it's been so long since I've heard my phone ring and saw his name flash on my screen. That nostalgic feeling just creeps through the cracks of my windows in the late hours of my thinking and conscious dreaming.

I want to tell myself that I don't have to be in love with someone. I want to believe that I can function normally... period. I'm always so starved and hungry for someone to quench my love. But it doesn't always have to be that way. And I feel like I'm at that point where I'm just keeping my heart open for someone new again. Or maybe someone old. Or just anyone! anyone. but a guy though, you know. I still like men. But... I don't know. Why do I even still think of him? Even after all this time I'm still reminded of the fact that he was the last person I could remember falling in love with. And it's sad that I haven't found someone to follow up that memory. It's just pathetic, really. In a funny not so funny, hopeless kind of way.

ihop fridays.

always good for the heart. and stomach.
i love these girls. and mid afternoon breakfast.

- c.

eyebags. the marks of my discontentment!

the only thing i am looking forward to this week is friday. it will be the perfect closure to celebrate the end of hell week. and we've hit the halfway mark. i feel like i'm running a marathon. but all of this excess consumption of caffeine is really getting me by. i wrote my sport's med essays in about 20 minutes. 20 minutes. 3 pages... in 20 minutes. talk about hand seizures.

anyway, it's wearing off. but i'm making another cup because i still have more stuff to do. the new year is bringing me so much hope. i'm definitely following my new year's resolution so far HARDCORE. i lost 3 pounds over the past 4 days. shiiiii. it's because of my diet. all of i've been eating are fruits (i almost typed "froots" lol) scrumptious chicken salads, bread in the morning, water, and whatever my parents bring home to eat in small proportions. but i drink so much water a day now that i feel full so fast. i have a routine now when i get home. i'm usually full from my lunch so i start my hw right away. math first, always. then i do 50 leg ups and 40 suitcase crunches. then eat! then more work. then listen to music and daze off for a bit. then 20 leg ups and 15 reps of this other exercise I found in a magazine that involves thrusting your hips while you're on the floor. it looks kind of ridiculous so i make sure i lock the door lol.

but i feel so. GOOD. i'm not procrastinating anymore, i write everything on my calendar and constantly check it so i don't forget any important assignments or dates about scholarship apps, and i always have new music on my ipod now, which helps ease everything.

i hope i don't lose my drive. i just need to keep myself motivated and say, "i can do this. i can do this" over and over again. i feel healthy for once, minus the lack of sleep. but i'll recover over the weekend.

anyway. government homework's staring at me. i'll probably post again on friday with pictures of my favorite human beings enjoying pancakes, french toast, omelettes and.... life.


- c.

palindromes.

busy busy day. i finally turned in my application to unlv. but i still need to send in my transcripts and SAT scores. i feel like i should apply to another out of state university but... i feel pretty secure staying here. i hope i get the most out of my college experience. i hope i learn how to write more eloquently and read more comprehensively. i hope i stick to one major and just go with it. i hope i have sleepless nights and study groups. i hope i meet people that will bring out the best in me and meet life friends. but i hope i don't screw this up, either. high school was important, but there were times where if you failed a test or slacked off a little bit, it didn't hurt you too much. but in college, if you screw up one test, you're done. it's over. there goes ($ridiculous amount of money here) wasted. in the garbage. your future. tanked.

but i have to stay positive. i'm so so very ready to move on with the next chapter in my life. i'd really like to see what's out there. and after college, i'd like to travel and take photographs. write a ton and make enough money to support myself. i plan on going into nursing and then keep going to college for something more.

but yes. today has been busy. i'm not hyped for monday, at ALL. i really dislike school at the moment. i don't want weekends to ever end. semester exams are next week, too. i'm not stressed yet, but it's coming. oh, it's coming.