today surprised me in a good way. i walk out of my house, almost guaranteed that my ho-hum hair would equal a ho-hum day, and the smudge of abused eyeliner on my eyelids would result in too much time spent between classes in front of the mirror. but it was not ho-hum! (but i did spend time in the girl's bathroom trying to fix my makeup.) girly insecurities. but anyway, it was actually nice. the weather in the morning did not freeze my ligaments and i was actually on time at the bus stop. and early? and I ate breakfast? AND I didn't struggle to put on my shoes? i didn't even feel like the same woman. i felt incomplete without robert there because i always see him, and i especially wanted to tell him how much i liked the book he gave me that weekend. i spent thanksgiving stuffing my arteries as well as my brain. i'm so glad i'm getting back into reading. i set aside an hour from my life to engage in words that aren't my own. favorite feeling.
the rest of the day seems blurry. watson yelled at me for talking during our warm up. i was just asking sarah if she had an extra copy of christmas festival because neither i or my stand partner thought about bringing it. i'm sure you were going to yell at me either way, so i thought i might as well try and prevent that before it happened? spare hurtful words? didn't work. whatever. i hate being forced to be so quiet during orchestra, really. whatever emotion he provokes on me is said through my music. make me upset? expect broken bow hairs. and an evil eye! i should be exempt from being yelled at for all the things i've done for watson and this orchestra, but that is just me being a diva. because i hate being yelled at for petty things. gr! lunch... we finally settled our sadies plans! so much relief. you don't even understand. then i ate sour gummy worms. that made my day, really. i haven't had one of those in forever and it felt good to have it in my mouth again, tingling my taste buds. oh! (that's what she said.)
in precalc, i was able to write all my notes legibly for once, i found that exciting, no one around me seemed to think so. greg was caught blowing bubbles and when ms. willis came to confiscate them he put them in his pants. i think that kid keeps things alive. she makes math feel so dead. after school, i went to vq, and told troy about my dream. he then tried to reenact it, in which i smiled and felt obligated to say no. think what you want. i'm getting faster at buzzing in on questions in varsity quiz, and answering almost logically (though, disregard that time when troy named a prime minister and I said the United States.) mind me. but really. i think i answered more questions today then i have this entire year combined. great accomplishment. i pulled our weight for team diversity. though, everyone abandoned me by the end of it. not cool. afterwards, i talked to tyler, and commented on his beard and suit. he's such a cool looking guy. and cool in general. i totally miss him playing his guitar for me during sixth last year. we mingled conversation until he had to go. then, after robert dropped me off, i came home, rested, put on my favorite sweatshirt and watched star trek. finally! it was thrilling. i'm a big fan of chris pine's face. and i thought live long and prosperous was a line by tupac before this day. i told that to my sister and she left the room.
overall, i give today an 8.9.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
april 24.
What was I thinking exactly? I would be the type of person to get caught up in abstract ideas such as “happiness” and “admiration” wouldn’t I? This is an odd state of mind, an unnatural feeling of feeling. I can’t begin to describe, because I wouldn’t know how to finish.
My head cannot stop beating, as if it had it’s very own pulse. Tha-dump, tha-dump, tha-dump. But unlike a normal set of headtha-dumps, it beats without consistency and without the aftermath of pain. Sticcato. This is the way my heart feels right now. A stutter. Like a murmur. Advil could not save me.
Why can they not provide hospitalization for the broken hearted? We feel pain too, you know. If I were to ever barge into an emergency room with a towel tainted red covering my chest, moaning, “Help! Help!” would I ever receive the same attention if I were to say… barge in without the bloody towel? It wouldn’t be until the nurse asks me what is wrong, will I reveal my dainty woes: “Heart-break…. m’am.” All I could see were blank stares, confused faces, and a man with a hernia giggling in the corner. I will appear as a babbling, melodramatic idiot.
Never, could I ever – in my veteran years of blogging – fully explain how I feel and why I feel that way. Because I never knew who I was. And I never knew what I was truly feeling. Never. And I still cannot get the gist. I cannot establish myself as a person that feels only emotion. I feel… words. I feel… memories. I feel… nothing. I feel… forever. I feel… people. I feel… staggered and incomplete. I feel… a shallow depth. I feel… alone. Even if I were to ever confide my deepest feelings with people I would end my life for, I am ashamed of my feelings. I feel guilty (and stupid) for even feeling things that I should not be feeling. Because my life, from the outskirts, is perfectly and utterly blessed with everything I need. And to feel anything other than appreciation, would be shameful.
But in all of the traces and tangles in which I feel and do not feel, I always find a security hiding in this bountiful sea of feeling. Or see of feeling. The complexity of how I see things, FEEL things, can’t be put into words. If there were a way for me to put you in my life as me, to let you not only be in my shoes but be in my mind… be my mind. That will be the only true way I can show you what it’s like to feel something that cannot be put into words, into thoughts, into action, into verbs, into nouns, into synchronizing, contrasting adjectives. My heart isn’t broken, yet… but it’s in a condition where I feel it cracking. After all the years of putting it back together. And it isn’t love. No. It isn’t because my heart held on to that feeling again, that beautiful feeling of… completion. It’s because it won’t. It can’t. And even if I open it to someone for just a split-second… I can feel it crumble just as fast as I let it love.
My heart, though extraordinarily stubborn, is gentle and breakable. And I cannot find the balance to simply feel. Without regretting it the second that tear falls down my cheek.
Tha-dump… tha-dump… tha-dump.
My head cannot stop beating, as if it had it’s very own pulse. Tha-dump, tha-dump, tha-dump. But unlike a normal set of headtha-dumps, it beats without consistency and without the aftermath of pain. Sticcato. This is the way my heart feels right now. A stutter. Like a murmur. Advil could not save me.
Why can they not provide hospitalization for the broken hearted? We feel pain too, you know. If I were to ever barge into an emergency room with a towel tainted red covering my chest, moaning, “Help! Help!” would I ever receive the same attention if I were to say… barge in without the bloody towel? It wouldn’t be until the nurse asks me what is wrong, will I reveal my dainty woes: “Heart-break…. m’am.” All I could see were blank stares, confused faces, and a man with a hernia giggling in the corner. I will appear as a babbling, melodramatic idiot.
Never, could I ever – in my veteran years of blogging – fully explain how I feel and why I feel that way. Because I never knew who I was. And I never knew what I was truly feeling. Never. And I still cannot get the gist. I cannot establish myself as a person that feels only emotion. I feel… words. I feel… memories. I feel… nothing. I feel… forever. I feel… people. I feel… staggered and incomplete. I feel… a shallow depth. I feel… alone. Even if I were to ever confide my deepest feelings with people I would end my life for, I am ashamed of my feelings. I feel guilty (and stupid) for even feeling things that I should not be feeling. Because my life, from the outskirts, is perfectly and utterly blessed with everything I need. And to feel anything other than appreciation, would be shameful.
But in all of the traces and tangles in which I feel and do not feel, I always find a security hiding in this bountiful sea of feeling. Or see of feeling. The complexity of how I see things, FEEL things, can’t be put into words. If there were a way for me to put you in my life as me, to let you not only be in my shoes but be in my mind… be my mind. That will be the only true way I can show you what it’s like to feel something that cannot be put into words, into thoughts, into action, into verbs, into nouns, into synchronizing, contrasting adjectives. My heart isn’t broken, yet… but it’s in a condition where I feel it cracking. After all the years of putting it back together. And it isn’t love. No. It isn’t because my heart held on to that feeling again, that beautiful feeling of… completion. It’s because it won’t. It can’t. And even if I open it to someone for just a split-second… I can feel it crumble just as fast as I let it love.
My heart, though extraordinarily stubborn, is gentle and breakable. And I cannot find the balance to simply feel. Without regretting it the second that tear falls down my cheek.
Tha-dump… tha-dump… tha-dump.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
a place for the nonsensical.
these emotions aren't residing.
it's about that time of the night again where i cannot shut up.
i've been listening to a lot of bands with some kind of mammal in their names.
and when i say a lot i mean two or three, max.
-c. bear
p.s. i also listen to a lot of bands that associate with birds.
i'm not talking about you.
but i am out of context.
the complexities of daily living.
eat, sleep, live.
i can eat from every culture,
and sleep in different beds,
but i can live, infinitely. no thing is limited.
you fit somewhere in between living and sleeping.
when i'm eating, you don't seem to be in my food.
but in everything else, you're completely covered.
i have thousands of words to say when i'm alone,
but when i'm facing you, nothing ever comes out.
zero, zip. a bundle of nothing. you leave me speechless.
a girl without words for once in her life.
- c.
the complexities of daily living.
eat, sleep, live.
i can eat from every culture,
and sleep in different beds,
but i can live, infinitely. no thing is limited.
you fit somewhere in between living and sleeping.
when i'm eating, you don't seem to be in my food.
but in everything else, you're completely covered.
i have thousands of words to say when i'm alone,
but when i'm facing you, nothing ever comes out.
zero, zip. a bundle of nothing. you leave me speechless.
a girl without words for once in her life.
- c.
when someone loves you,
the way they say your name is different.
you just know that your name is safe in their mouth.
Billy, age 4
- c.
you just know that your name is safe in their mouth.
Billy, age 4
- c.
I am thankful for...
a loving family, nice friends, cable, my mom's homemade kare-kare, my grandma, a warm bed to sleep in, track sweats, cotton, scrabble, music, my cello, laundry detergent, pillows, pie, my dogs and their puppies, hands to hold, happy thanksgiving texts, the invention of blogging, socks, good hair, good health, mid day naps, i love yous, being filipino, my dad's approval, a decent brain, seawolf, the clothes on my back, countless blessings, and a tomorrow <3.
i hope everyone had a nice thanksgiving :) i hope that you were able to smile and think about all the things that you're thankful for. may your hearts feel as bloated as your stomachs!
- c.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
"the tiniest of feet."
currently lurking through this wonderful photographer. i have nothing to do tonight, really. it's been totally relaxing just sitting here with my track sweats, hoodie, and ear muffins. muffins? that's not right. but neither are a lot of things i say.
this is normal behavior.
- c.
i've gone mad. in a more lovable sense of the word mad. when i'm able to devote my time to a stable minimum wage job in the next few years of my college life, my very first and second paycheck is going to be spent on a nikon, or something silly and expensive like that. because this girl needs a camera. badly. it's essential for emotional stability.
i will be the happiest blogger in the whole world. imagine the possibilities. the creativity! the inspiration... the expression :) is it possible to be so passionate about photography and not even own a camera?
evidently, yes.
to a filled pocket in the near future.
- c.
i will be the happiest blogger in the whole world. imagine the possibilities. the creativity! the inspiration... the expression :) is it possible to be so passionate about photography and not even own a camera?
evidently, yes.
to a filled pocket in the near future.
- c.
flying, solo.
i haven't eaten anything wholesome today. my mind, more than my heart, needs some kind of nourishment. i need a refill in my glass of optimism. i need to stay healthy. i keep speaking of change in my life, but it's moving slowly; the new direction from the misdirected. life's treating me fairly, i can't complain. i wake up every morning from the tight embraces of my warm dreams, and step into a cold world. i smile back and say, "how do you do."
overall, i give today an 8.5.
- c.
thirty-six rules of life.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
Monday, November 23, 2009
canterbury fails.
I have this essay to write in the next 7 hours. watch me not finish. I just want to enjoy this coffee ice cream and the new moon soundtrack and be done with my night. Is that so much to ask? life could not be any slower! I'm just excited for thanksgiving and everything after that. december should be a real heart pleaser with sadies and my sister's birthday and the orchestra concert, where I'll have my epic cello solo. should be fun :)
i'm trying to lay off the guys for awhile. I'm trying to say that without sounding like a slut. my heart's been through too much this year, but that's nothing out of the ordinary. it'd be nice to be able to fall for the right ones once in awhile. or ever. I've been stuck on the same boy for awhile now. I don't know, I can't get over it. or in other words won't get over it. A lot of me longs for a change, and another part of me feels like I shouldn't give up. but is it really giving up? or just letting things be? i keep thinking that there's still some glimmer of hope in all of this and if I just wait awhile longer, things could change.
these words will repeat over the next few weeks.
- c.
i'm trying to lay off the guys for awhile. I'm trying to say that without sounding like a slut. my heart's been through too much this year, but that's nothing out of the ordinary. it'd be nice to be able to fall for the right ones once in awhile. or ever. I've been stuck on the same boy for awhile now. I don't know, I can't get over it. or in other words won't get over it. A lot of me longs for a change, and another part of me feels like I shouldn't give up. but is it really giving up? or just letting things be? i keep thinking that there's still some glimmer of hope in all of this and if I just wait awhile longer, things could change.
these words will repeat over the next few weeks.
- c.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I grow more and more lethargic of every photograph I see that makes me wish I had a camera again. I feel like segments of my life are being forgotten. I want to be able to share with you what I see. I want to be able to express myself and show you what words sometimes I can't. I'm an easy liver, and I don't have very needy expenses. so why am i so broke?both in my pockets and in my heart?
questions left unanswered.
- c.
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